Bankruptcy? Insolvency? So Weary...

Well, I have said that this blog is about the roller coaster of life. And I’ve promised myself and my readers honesty. So here it is. I have come to the end of my rope and don’t even have enough left to tie a knot. I’ve been down this road before.In 2000 my ex-wife and I filed for bankruptcy because of British Columbia’s Leaky Condo Syndrome. We lost everything. We only had about $3,000 worth of credit card debt at the time. It was our inability to keep up with all the extra costs associated with the condo crisis. They wanted a couple of thousand here and a few thousand there and because it was such a crisis in the province even our bank wouldn’t help. In retrospect we should never have gone bankrupt. I found out since that we could have just let the house be repossessed and kept on living. It was a degrading time in my life. I hated every moment, every piece of paperwork, every court date. To boot it was even used against me in my recent divorce by my ex-husband! So as you can well imagine I have fought long and hard these last 2 years to beat this. But I’ve lost the battle. And I’m angry, sad, pissed off, depressed.

Tomorrow I go see a Trustee tomorrow. Back at the start of March I started talking to a Consultant about something called a Consumer Proposal. This would take the form of negotiating with my creditors and paying out only part of my debt owing to them over a period of several months. It would end the constant calls and letters. It would allow me to live within my means and still pay something. He made such promises! But because he took so gosh darn long I fired him last week. He told me to stop paying the bills, which I did, two months ago. Last month I had to pay out over $300 in NSF charges because he still had done nothing at the end of two months. And he was going to charge me $2000 over and above, to do it too. I found out this week that the proper way of doing this is to include his fee in what would become my monthly payment. But that’s what happens when you go with a for-profit agency.

I’m still hoping to go the route of a Consumer Proposal to be honest. I will be seeing a legit firm tomorrow. The reasons for NOT going into bankruptcy a second time are simple. It would mean I could lose my car, which I can pay for, and need because of my health issues and living in a rural town miles away from my doctor and clients. It would also mean that I would carry this mess for up to 14 years because it is the second time. I would be retirement age then! To be honest, I just don’t know if I can face it. So I’m hoping, praying, begging…

I could blame the mess on a myriad of things. A very expensive and horrible divorce. A failed business. Failing health. Un and under – employment for the last 2.5 years. Using one creditor to pay the other. And some unwise use of credit. I used my credit to get through the divorce. I used it prior to prop up our finances as his business started to languish due to his addictions. I used it to get through the dry periods since. But when it comes down to it, it is totally my responsibility. It is MY credit. I signed it away. I could have said NO! And because I am who I am I accept that responsibility. And as such I want to pay my debts. I want to work. I want to be healthy. I want financial stability. And yes I’m aware of the Universal “rule” using want and not desire or intend. But I’ve done all that too!

So I am angry at myself. I am angry with the Universe/God/whatever you use. I am scared and sad. I feel as though the last three years of my life has consisted of one major crisis after another major crisis. I keep asking, “What am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve so much pain?”

I have read over and over again in the blogs that I follow, and other reading, be grateful for what you DO have. I am grateful. I am even grateful for the debts because I have learned some really important lessons. But gratitude isn’t moving anything forward.

Deep down I know it will pass. Deep down I know I’ll be fine. But I’m tired of just fine to be honest. I’m tired of just scraping by. I’m tired of ill health, lack of financial stability, loneliness. I’m just tired…all the time it seems! I’m tired of hanging upside down on this ride!

So there you have it. That’s MY TRUTH as it stands today, this week, perhaps for the next while!

So why do I share this? Well, because I did promise to be honest with this blog. And of late, writing has been a burden because of this weight I’m carrying. My Mum used to share a burden shared is a burden halved. Maybe…

Bankruptcy? Insolvency? So Weary...