What do you do with your cooking oil after you use it? What does your favorite restaurant do with its used oil? Here’s a young woman who saw that oily resource being wasted and decided to do something awesome about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgCevU-HI0Y
Do you get tired of hearing people saying,
MY TRUTH: Trust the process. It has been a constant theme in my life these last four years; beginning with the word I had saying that my life would look completely different in 3 – 5 years. That was four years ago last month. And boy, does it ever!!! I hope I am learning to trust the process easier. I hope that I am learning to be gracious and kind to myself when the tough times hit. I KNOW without a doubt, I have grown. Thank you to the Universe for conspiring to help me achieve it. (The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho)
Grief. It comes to all of us…sooner or later. Grieving. We all will have to grieve someone or something…sooner or later.
Yesterday (Saturday), I conducted the memorial service for the husband of a friend. It was only six months ago that I sat at their table planning a similar service for her brother-in-law. And she has had another death to grieve as well. It was the first service in many, many years that I found myself quaking, not from nerves, but in sharing the grief with all attending. It was the first time that I can remember that when I walked out of the chapel I had to make a quick exit to gain back my own composure.
Grief is about letting go.
Last night, my daughter, Sarah, walked into the living room and howled that her friend, Ryan, had been struck by a truck and killed during the day. He was only just starting his life. He had just moved hundred of kilometres away from his family and his girlfriend, to work in Alberta and earn some good income. As she left to go and be with her friends I found myself once again losing that composure.
Grief is about letting go.
This week I realized two of my own dreams were gone. One I have shared already on Wednesday, Bankruptcy? Insolvency? So Weary…. The second ‘loss’ was that of a future I thought was working its way out. The loss of faith in friends I thought I had made; trust gained, but not.
Grief is about letting go.
It’s not been the brightest of weeks. Nope! With regards to Wednesday’s blog, I will NOT be going into bankruptcy. That is good news. I will be doing the consumer proposal I was hoping for. But it will be about another 50 days before I know for sure that my creditors accept my proposal. My Trustee feels quite positive. But it marks a new walk of grief for me, the loss of my credit for a time to come. I have struggled with this process because for me it’s a thing of integrity. But I keep reminding myself integrity is not only about honesty or truth. It’s also about admitting our weakness and working to clean up any collateral damage.
With regards to the loss of faith in friends, I have adopted the philosophy in recent years, that friends are like the tides, they ebb and flow. If the tides pulls out too far then all changes. If it is only a partial tide, then hopefully something will return to normal, whatever normal is! But no matter what the tide does, the seascape changes…forever. Sometimes for the best, sometimes it seems not.
I have also grown in the last few years to know with certainty that even when times seem perplexing, it will pass.
For my friend, she entered into a grief process a few weeks ago when she found out that her beloved had terminal cancer. But her grief journey has only really begun. The one good thing in it all is that she is surrounded by such wonderful people who are there for her and will continue to be there for her.
For my daughter, her friends, his family, grief is just beginning. That sickness of stomach, heaviness of spirit, pain of loss that causes an instant vacuum for a time. For her, the death and loss of yet another friend so young takes away more of that innocence of youth.
My hope and prayer for all of us is that as the tide comes back in, again and again, and until some semblance of the pain is gone, that we all will not become more jaded or that much more cynical of life, of the Universe.
Grief is about letting go.
It seems for me that the last four years has been a constant letting go.
For my daughter it seems so unfair and is hard for this Dad, that her life, so young, has to be punctuated with this and other grief these days.
For her friend’s parents it seems that this letting go is so unnatural because no parent is supposed to outlive their child.
For my friend it seems that she had to let go all too soon, all too quickly, all so inexplicably, almost unnecessarily from what I understand.
Grief is about letting go.
My Truth: Yes, grief is about letting go. But when it seems as though there is so little to hold on to, when does receiving again start? I know it will for I have learned this in my 50 years. Grief: Denial, Anger,Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If you are grieving someone or something today, take a look at where in this cycle you are. Allow yourself to be there. Allow yourself to progress (not necessarily in that order). Be kind; be gentle…to yourself. You deserve it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7dPlCzUG44&app=desktop
Then came a whisper. In that whisper was the voice of God. And in that moment, for the first time Elijah reacted by pulling his cloak over his face for protection or perhaps in shame. We really aren’t told. And that doesn’t really matter. The point here was that Elijah expected God to be in the HUGENESS of anything, not in the quietness of a whisper.
The Mystic/Poet Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi lived in the early 1200′s. The words in this jewel echo Elijah’s story found in the Bible in I Kings, chapter 19. Elijah is dated around the 9th century B.C., some 2000 years before Rumi. It is quite possible that Rumi had access to some of the early manuscripts that would later become the Old Testament of today’s Bible as he is thought to have practiced Islam who share many of the same prophets in the Holy Qur’an.
Whatever you name “God”, whether that is Goddess, Christ, Holy Spirit, Father, Abba, Universe, Higher Power, Higher Self, Creator, Holy One, Allah, Brahman, or just “Hey you! Are you listening?”, it matters not. However BIG you see that Force, know that he/she is as small as the smallest atom.
I have always been gobsmacked by the surprising way that this wonderful Being interrupts my life. I have had rough periods. I have had horrible periods. I have had sorrow. I have had joy. Like Elijah, when I seek his wonder in the BIG, she always surprises me with not being there at all; but in the small, still, quietness.
Have you had the experience of walking into a giant architectural marvel called a cathedral and just sat in silence and felt with assurance that you were not alone? Have you ever had that same experience just sitting by a quiet lake or stream? Have you had it whilst jumping up and down frantically, screaming in stress? Or when the TV or audio device was blasting your eardrums? I know my experience is that it is usually (and I’m being very cautious with the word usually, because it is almost always actually) when I take the time to be quiet and shut out the noise of the world and calm my inner noise as well that it is then that I find the answer I am looking for. There is always an answer. Again in my experience it is yes, no or wait. But there is always an answer. I just have to listen. Or as I wrote in a series you will find in the Archives, Practice The Presence.
Tomorrow I go see a Trustee tomorrow. Back at the start of March I started talking to a Consultant about something called a Consumer Proposal. This would take the form of negotiating with my creditors and paying out only part of my debt owing to them over a period of several months. It would end the constant calls and letters. It would allow me to live within my means and still pay something. He made such promises! But because he took so gosh darn long I fired him last week. He told me to stop paying the bills, which I did, two months ago. Last month I had to pay out over $300 in NSF charges because he still had done nothing at the end of two months. And he was going to charge me $2000 over and above, to do it too. I found out this week that the proper way of doing this is to include his fee in what would become my monthly payment. But that’s what happens when you go with a for-profit agency.
I’m still hoping to go the route of a Consumer Proposal to be honest. I will be seeing a legit firm tomorrow. The reasons for NOT going into bankruptcy a second time are simple. It would mean I could lose my car, which I can pay for, and need because of my health issues and living in a rural town miles away from my doctor and clients. It would also mean that I would carry this mess for up to 14 years because it is the second time. I would be retirement age then! To be honest, I just don’t know if I can face it. So I’m hoping, praying, begging…
So I am angry at myself. I am angry with the Universe/God/whatever you use. I am scared and sad. I feel as though the last three years of my life has consisted of one major crisis after another major crisis. I keep asking, “What am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve so much pain?”
I have read over and over again in the blogs that I follow, and other reading, be grateful for what you DO have. I am grateful. I am even grateful for the debts because I have learned some really important lessons. But gratitude isn’t moving anything forward.
So there you have it. That’s MY TRUTH as it stands today, this week, perhaps for the next while!
So why do I share this? Well, because I did promise to be honest with this blog. And of late, writing has been a burden because of this weight I’m carrying. My Mum used to share a burden shared is a burden halved. Maybe…
But just for the sake of this jewel let’s just leave it as it is. I have a son. He is now 21 years old! Gosh! Wherever did the time go? He never really asked me this question. But I hope he got from me the answer even without asking the question.
So many people (yes not just men) are looking for the partner who will complete them. Aghhhh! Stop right there! Do you honestly think you are only a part? Do you look at yourself as something that is broken, that needs someone to fix you? Then stop it!
God made us in his/her image. Get it?! And if you don’t believe in God or some Higher Power, then look at yourself from a biological/chemical standpoint. You are a grouping of molecules, cells, energy. The person you choose as a partner is made up exactly the same way (basically). yes the colour of the hair is different, the gender may be different (see I’m listening), the height may be different, etc… But when you get right down to the basics we are all exactly the same mass of chemicals and energy. So why on earth do you need someone to complete you? You don’t!
So instead of looking for that person. Look to your self. Look within. And if you are a spiritual person, then ask for guidance. Work on who you are BEFORE you try to find that wonderful person with whom you are going to spend years of your life with.
I’m proud of my son. You all already know that from my previous ramblings. He is a great young man. He’s not perfect. I know that. He knows that too. But he is kind and gentle and caring. Last year when we were on our cruise, one of our fellow dinner companions had a seizer at the table after I had left. Tim (age 19) took control of the situation and then saw her back to her stateroom afterwards. He made sure she was fine and even checked up on her the next morning. Now, that made this Dad proud.
Tim has a wonderful lady now. And I know that he does NOT believe that she is a completion of him. He is blessed to have someone to ride the roller coaster of life with. They will learn about themselves and each other on this ride.
So why is it that we consider change to be scary? Why is it when we are being pushed from our comfort zone we tremble, hesitate, freeze? After all, change is all around and within us.
From my perspective, speaking for myself here, change is difficult because of it’s unpredictability. After all the sun will always rise and always set. I know that. But when it comes to those events in life like a new relationship, the ending of a relationship, a new job, a new home or change in financial stability, there is this element of unpredictability. Some people seem to thrive for the thrill of unpredictability. Usually, I am NOT one of those people. Sometimes I enjoy an element of risk, like on a roller coaster ride. But generally I like my routine. I like to know what I’m doing tomorrow. I like to know how the ball is going to land.
The last four years of my lie have been in a state of constant flux. From starting a new business, to starting AND ending a marriage, to moving house and home, not once, not twice, but three times. There have been changes in financial stability, changes in health, changes in routine. I was thinking about routine yesterday. I realize that at one time I was a creature of habit. I had my daily routine. I rose early, walked the dogs, got a shower, had coffee and breakfast, went to work, had a full routine at work, came home, walked the dogs, had a G & T, watched some TV or ran chores, went to bed. Started it all over again the next day.
My life resembles nothing like that now. Not a thing like it! And you know what? I’m glad. I have grown stronger. I have become wiser. I have seen more of life’s ups and downs in the last four years than in the previous 46! I have changed in so many ways. I am evolving.
Last weekend I was hit with the second bout of this year’s winter head cold, having only just recovered from a third bout of stomach flu for the season. I felt totally dejected. I just didn’t get it. I really felt sorry for myself. Then I found this jewel. Every single experience I have had these last few years has brought me to this place. If I’d continued in that same old routine, would I be writing this blog? Probably not! Would I be living in a different town – one that I’d never considered to live in? Definitely not! Would I have been happy? I can honestly say, no!
Thank you for giving me these last four years. It ain’t been easy! In fact it’s been one heck of a roller coaster ride! But thank you!!!
Well it’s been three years since I first saw Nina. I am so grateful for her life and the lessons she has learned so that she could be there and teach me as well. Neither one of us really would have chosen (in our present states) to go through such pain in our lives. But if you truly are a Universal Spiritual person you know that you DID choose these experiences for whatever reason. You also chose the people who would help you experience them. Knowing this and accepting this allowed me a great deal of personal power. It helped me to release blame and hatred. It helped me to replace it with Love, Light and Forgiveness.
I had a difficult time with this concept. I found myself wondering, then, if I should stay and continue this contract because it was pre-arranged. But as I grew and healed, even in that terrible time, I realized that I had met that part of our contract. It was time to move forward. It was time to release all the broken dreams, hopes and pain and move forward.
This morning I found myself pondering what I’ve been through since those days. They haven’t been easy times. In fact they’ve been downright painful and hard. And again and again, I have to release and forgive the pain and the blame I sometimes find myself cycling in. The last few days have been like that. I am still going through some of the residual longterm effects from that disaster in my life. But I believe the time is near when it will it all will reside in the past – in history – not in the present.
This morning I performed a small ceremony. I sat down and meditatively wrote out what I feel the residuals are, finance, health, loneliness. I also took time to write out my feelings of blame and bitterness. Then I finalized the writing with what my dreams and hopes are. I put down my pen and papers and meditated. I quickly released the non-beneficial pages and then dwelt on my hopes and dreams. I spent time feeling each hope and dream. I imagined and felt myself travelling to places like Hawaii (again, especially Kalani Retreat Centre), Great Britain, Italy, The Holy Land, Egypt and so many other places. I imagined and felt myself with a strong, healthier body. I imagined and felt myself with financial stability and integrity from a career I love. I imagined and felt myself with a person of integrity, who would love me, warts and all; and I him. I spent a goodly amount of time doing this.
Then I got up with my papers and went to the stove and lit them up (under the hood fan of course) and released with Love and Forgiveness all the pain and non-beneficial energy and cords. I then lit up my dreams as a commitment to myself and prayer to the Universe/God. Then I used some sage to smudge and clear all the energy. I then lit a candle (tea light actually – it’s safer to leave). The candle for me represents the Light of God that I now allow to burn and light my path, leaving all that behind.
I believe that ceremony is so important in my life and in anyone’s life actually. We have become a society that has left ritual and ceremony behind for TV, Social Media and intellect. When a person dies, we ‘get rid of it’ as quickly as possible, often refusing to do any type of ceremony. When we lose a friend or favourite keepsake we don’t take time to grieve (which is a rite in itself). When we graduate, we don’t celebrate. When we are promoted we don’t celebrate. The ceremony itself doesn’t hold any magic. It’s the doing of the ceremony that holds magic. Why? Because it’s our connection with a Higher Power, recognizing that the past is the past, today is in this moment and tomorrow…well…it’s an adventure yet to be lived. Why would I choose to carry a bolder on my back up a mountain? Let it go. Our Psyche needs it. Our Spirit needs it. Our humanity needs it.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done similar ceremony around this stuff. It may not be the last time either. I will do it as many times as it takes! Do you have something in your life that you need or desire to let go of? Then figure out a meaningful ceremony that will help you. Do you need emotional or spiritual healing from a broken relationship or lost job or some other loss? Then find a way to do that: write, burn, light a candle, pray, meditate, find a Celebrant, Pastor, Priest to help. When my divorce was finalized I went back to the park where the wedding ceremony took place. I took my witness with me. I did a ceremony and buried my wedding ring and the commitment ring I wore for years prior to the wedding. After all, I surmised, What do we usually do when someone/something dies? We bury it! It was a wonderful, tearful for all, release.
It is so important to forgive. It is so important to release all the emotion, energy, bonds connected to the pain. But it’s also important to remember that pain. Why? So that you can learn from it. Not wallow in it. And when we learn we can make choices based in that learning. For me it was to leave that painful and unsafe situation. For you????
Thank you FOR-GIVING me this situation. I have learned. I am stronger. I am softer. I AM!
Thank you Nina. Much Light and Love.
Do you have those annoying habits? Is there something in your life that you wish you could change? Do you need to lose weight? Shape up? Go to the Gym? Lose a few wrinkles?
Well guess what? That’s NOT what this one’s about. This isn’t about wanting to change something. This is more about learning to know yourself and being present to that. Once you get present to yourself you have already conquered yourself.
Why do I say that? Well, simply put: If you love yourself, you won’t need to change anything. If you learn to conquer/love/understand yourself you will be happy with who you are…wrinkles and all.
What are some of the signs that you haven’t gotten yourself conquered?
The first one is always a clue for me. The moment I start to judge others I know I’m trying to conquer them. WRONG!!!! By looking inward I stop looking outward.
