What's Next?

Those who’ve followed me for a while now will have seen me refer to an event that happened to me back in March/April 2010. I don’t think I’ve shared details like I am about to. Although, I still am leaving out a lot of detail purposely, because that’s how forgiveness works! I had really started to listen to my intuitive voice at that point in time. I was able to ‘read’ people and situations much clearer than I’d ever done before. I was meditating regularly (again, as I’ve said many times – not with my legs crossed saying “Ohmmmmm”).

I sensed back then that there was change coming. Little did I realize what that change was and where it would take me. I’m glad, in retrospect. It’s been a real roller coaster ride. I was given a strong sense, this particular day, that I was deeply connected to the ‘great toll free number’ (God, Universe, Spirit, Creator…) And I was surprised this day to ‘hear a voice’ (no I’m not mentally unstable). What I heard has remained embedded in my mind ever since. “James, in three to five years, your life will look VERY different to what it does now.” And it would be repeated again and again in the following weeks. It was as if a sacred contract had been written and I was just being made aware of it. For more on Scared Contracts I recommend Caroline Myss’ book by the same name.

On my birthday, a few weeks after that event, July 1, my partner of 9.5 years would propose marriage. I was blown away! He had always made it clear that he didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, especially within the GLBTQI community. I knew this was the beginning of the change. But as I already said, “Had I known what was coming…….” A few weeks later, on September 19th, we were married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony with our closest friends and family present.

Fast forward to July 31, 2011 (about ten months). I can remember getting up that morning and checking to make sure everything was packed. My three kids were on their way over to help me move out. I said goodbye to my husband. He went downstairs to the salon to work his usual Saturday. After he went out the door I collapsed, literally, into a puddle of tears. It was over! I knew it. I knew I would never be coming back to my home of 10 ½ years. The bridge had been burnt for the final time and I wasn’t willing to try anymore. I can remember hearing that same voice say to me, “James, you can’t let the kids see you like this. They need to know you’ve made the ‘right’ choice.”

Fast forward, again, to year three (2013). My consulting business had pretty much closed due to the economy and how it was affecting charities. My health had gotten to the point that working was not possible – at least not without a huge price. At this three-year mark I was forced to go onto disability. It was also around the same time that I started to write this blog. I knew it was temporary. But it was a blow nonetheless.

Fast forward, once last time, to now – just coming into year five. My health has returned. I am well and strong and able to work. I have been working part-time (sometime full-time hours) at a local funeral chapel. The hours are unreliable and the wage is not enough to sustain me even at full-time. The past three months Provincial Disability has seen fit to only allow me $166.00. It has been by miracle after miracle that the rent was paid, groceries bought and bills covered. I say it because it’s true; if not for my daughter living with me  and sharing costs (sometimes covering until payback) I would not have this comfortable apartment to live in.

So for the last several months (close to a year now) I have been searching for work that will sustain me and bring about financial stability and independence again. It has been another roller coaster ride to be honest, both emotionally and financially.

When I moved out on my own I set up a list of what I felt needed to happen before I’d ever even consider a relationship again. I also stated what I desired in a relationship. Except for one short reminder last autumn I have stayed true to that list. I am left with two items – both interrelated and necessary to complete the list: Work! Work that is not going to suck the energy out of my psyche/soul. Work that is going to pay a goodly amount so that I can have independence and pride again. Work that remains illusive for a variety of factors. I am one of those lucky people who has seen a great diversity of work in my professional life, although all somewhat similar in skills and qualifications. I have a strong C.V.. But I lack a degree to back up all that I’ve already accomplished professionally. Now you and I know that this just doesn’t make sense. I have done the work for 25+ years. Yet I still need a degree to prove I can do the work!!! It has been very frustrating, even knowing this is the way it is supposed to be. It is the contract I agreed to.

When I’ve applied for work that is not up to the level of work I’ve previously done I am not hired because the potential employer sees me staying a short time until I find more suitable work. Fair point. When I apply for work I am skilled to do I’m told that I have a lot of experience; but not qualification (degrees).

So during this last week I have been recollecting on this wild, wild roller coaster ride and how this particular journey began almost five years ago. I feel anxious because I know I need to move forward or the cost is going to be extensive to me yet again. I am excited because I believe that what is coming is going to be the most beneficial experience for my life. Terrified, because ultimately I have no control on how this will play out. Panicked because I may just fall flat on my face yet again. And, admittedly, terrified that I may actually have success!

Isn’t that a weird and wonderful paradox: Scared to fail and scared to succeed? “Why is that?” I ask myself. Why am I afraid to fail? Well that’s pretty obvious. But why am I afraid to succeed? Well like most people, even though life is very uncomfortable right now, it is what I know. I’ve lived in this discomfort for nearly five years now. And moving into a new unknown is very intimidating to anyone, unless they are of the adventurous type (and even they, if honest, would admit some reticence.) Having confessed that, though. I know I’m ready. I’m ready to leave behind this part of my life. I’m ready to leave behind the sadness, worry, anxiety. I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to have change. I’m ready to change. It’s my turn!

My email signature says it all. I was inspired to start using it during the last five years. Little did I realize that it really does mean what it means.

Change is the only constant in life.

..GROW with it.

…GO with it.

….EMBRACE it.

…..CAUSE it.

…….Life is a Journey

What's Next?

Milla Brown - I Just Want People To Accept Me For Who I am.

I sat down at the computer a while ago wondering what I would write today. I know I haven’t been very regular at this in the last months. That is just the way it is with the roller coaster ride. Sometimes you’re up; sometimes you’re down. Sometimes the ride is exciting; sometimes the ride has nothing overly special to talk about.

Anyhow! I came across this story in a Facebook group I recently joined. It is a group where people who grew up in the same faith as I did come together to support those still in that faith and those of us not. One wonderful soul posted this story of the brave Milla Brown; a child with gender dysphoria and his battle to be the boy he is.

Now I know, as do many who know me, I am a softy. So this touched me. I was all teary eyed of course. So will you be…

‘I just want people to accept me for who I am’ – National – NZ Herald News

Everybody is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Remember to be kind always.

Milla Brown - I Just Want People To Accept Me For Who I am.

Family Day - February 2015

Just a very few years ago, British Columbia joined other provinces in Canada to create a new holiday (or as it is from the original Holy-day). Today, February 9th, 2015 is Family Day.

Just over thirty years ago (I can hardly believe it) someone stepped into my life just at the best possible moment, and shifted my thinking about being a parent, forever. I was ‘afraid’ of ever being a parent because I didn’t believe I had any parenting skills and hadn’t had the best mentoring to be a parent.

Susan was patiently persistent. On April 6th, 1988 (only 1 month & 28 days from now) Michelle​ came into our life. Being the first of three she endured all the bumps and scrapes that come with a novice and goof for a Dad. Then on May 8th, 1992, Sarah​ came onto the scene. Then the following year on April 1, 1993, Tim​ would join the brood. Yes all their birthdays are within a month of each other. Although, had it gone according to the plan, Tim would have been born the first week of May. But being the ‘fool’ that he is (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree they say) he chose to surprise us on April 1!

As an aside and a TMI moment (or perhaps a TIM moment), Tim was born on the same day that I was scheduled to have a vasectomy. It never happened. Phew! I dodged that bullet.

I said just last night, to Sarah, that the three of them (Michelle, Sarah & Tim) are the reason I made it through these last 4+ years…and Gracie too! She makes me laugh every time I see her belt down the hallway going out and coming in from her necessary out-of-door visits.

Although Susan and I have not been together for half of those 30 years now, I cannot express my gratitude, my joy, my admission to her being correct.

Being an awesome parent doesn’t mean that you’re perfect. There’s only one ‘parent’ in the Universe who carries that title.

Being an awesome parent doesn’t mean that there aren’t bumps and scrapes while on the roller coaster of life.

Being an awesome parent does mean that you show up and be the best parent you can be.

Being an awesome parent does mean that when you see you lack in a skill, you learn it.

Being an awesome parent cannot be…without awesome kids.

I love each of you. You terrified me when you came into my life. You honoured me and continue to honour me with this overwhelming title – Parent, Father, Dad….and goof.


Family Day - February 2015

Life Happens

Life’s a funny thing. Growing up I had no fantasy that life was easy. It was difficult for me as far back as I could remember. What was a fantasy was that there were so many people out there that had it sooooooo easy and all I had to do was find the magic that they knew. You know the ones, “The Secret is just to manifest the great things that you can have…” “Just follow my 10 step plan to success!” “The world is at your feet, seize the day!”

Through my forties I attended a ton of workshops, read a ton of books, articles and information. I bought in with all my heart, soul and mind that all I had to do was what they told me. But wealth never came. I have faced bankruptcy once and more recently a Consumer Proposal to avoid bankruptcy. I have been married to an addict with many addictions. I believed that all I had to do was “be me” and all the rest would fall into place.

The past 5 years of my life have been the most challenging of my life. Thus the birth of this blog, Life’s Roller Coaster. Life is a roller coaster. There are the ups and the downs, the laughter and the tears, the rush of adrenaline and the deep, dark, secret called depression.

I have dealt with a painful breakup and a vindictive divorce. I have lost my home and my treasured garden. I have had a great income and no income. I have had bright days and yes the darkest of days.

I remember from my church days hearing the verse (or rather platitude) that God will not send you more than you can endure. First of all that’s based in I Corinthians 10:13 which refers to temptation not the painful times of life. That’s why I say platitude. Often well-meaning people in our lives struggle as they watch us struggle. They struggle because they don’t know what to do or say that could help. So they say something that is just not helpful. Using this particular verse insinuates that God sends us the painful times in our lives. What????!!!! And then, if we are to believe that God has indeed done this to us, that we are to believe that God will also find a way out of it for us!

My problem with this and many platitudes is that they first of all foist blame. Why should anyone be blamed for the lows on the roller coaster? Do we blame God for a child born with a terminal illness? Or do we blame the child? Or do we blame the parents? Or do we blame…..you fill in the blanks.

Secondly, not only does it promote blame; it promotes a lack of personal power. Yes it’s good to acknowledge that there is a power greater than me. But would that power really expect me to wait and be rescued from the swimming pool of life when I already know how to swim to the side of the pool? My Mum taught me early on that “God helps them who helps themselves.”

So instead of abdicating our power to someone or something, we should take that God-given power back and make good use of it. There is the reality that we live in a broken world, in broken bodies that “suffer” (another abdication of personal power wording) illness (mental and physical), go through rough patches, get hurt in many ways. That’s just life!

Sometimes the roller coaster is terrifying. For me, when I used to go to the amusement parks, the more terrifying the ride, the more likely I was to ride it. Part way through I thought I was going to barf, or worse – die! But I still did it. In fact I would do it over and over and over again. Why? Ultimately I knew I’d be okay. Kinda like life: I knew I had it in me to make it to the end, because there are lots more rides in the park. And there were so many others like me. I wasn’t alone…ever!

So I’ve learned to stop blaming anyone, whether it’s God or Goddess, The Universe or Higher Power. I’ve stopped abdicating my power and have taken it back. I choose which ride I go on. I choose to enjoy or be terrified. I choose to eat junk food before the ride, or not, knowing full well the results.

Yes, I still believe in God. Yes, I still believe that there is a power greater than me that I can draw from. And that’s the key – I can draw from. I choose to wallow or I choose to swim to the side of the pool and get out. Sometimes it takes longer than others. Sometimes it isn’t as easy as I may make it sound.

Sometimes life happens….


Life Happens

Letting off Steam

A familiar expression? This weekend I’ve been enjoying a to visit Harrison Hot Spring with my Son. It is thought that the purpose of hot springs like these and like others around the planet, is to help the earth to let off steam; not just provide us with a wonderful place to luxuriate. Apparently it helps the tectonic plates as they shift; preventing major earthquakes.

Well whatever the reason, this weekend isn’t about lessons in geology for me. It’s just about me being able to visit a positively gorgeous place and experience something that I’ve always been so curious about. Having said that it isn’t what I expected. I pictured in my mind basically a hole in the ground where people are gathering in hot water and just feeling the healing waters flow (picture on the left). Was I ever off with that picture. As you can see from the picture (to the right) it is all modernized. cool the waters so you can get into them without burning. In fact, only about ten minutes from HHS Resort they have a fenced off former bathhouse where the water is apparently so hot that you can be burned. I think the sign said it was about 140 degrees fahrenheit.

Apparently they even

Now get this. I was so sleepy since late morning that I fell asleep in our room for most of the afternoon. Seems I’d taken my night-time meds this morning. Duh! So, yes, I’ve not yet gotten into the water. Silly, I know. However, I could actually get used to this way of living; staying in nice hotels in nice locations. I can eat when I want and what I want (except for a few things that our Tim is having trouble pronouncing at his dinner right now – he texted me). Right now I’m sitting in the coffee shop enjoying a very rich brownie and a nice soya chai latte while I type. I’ll save room for supper later. Or maybe I’ll do as I did last night and enjoy dinner late in the lounge.

I subscribe to the daily word from Conversations with God Author, Neale Donald Walshe. A couple of days ago he sent me  this message: Your soul says to do what brings you joy this weekend! No judgments! I’m not sure if that was pre-mix up meds or after. But I’m enjoying myself anyhow. Good for letting off steam!

Letting off Steam

Be Present and In the Moment...

…even if you don’t want to! Especially if you don’t want to.

I woke up this morning feeling really down. That’s not all that unusual for the last few months. I have been doing battle with depression as many of you know. It has been hard to see any positives in life. It has caused my creative energy to be completely blocked. The last couple of weeks have seen improvement though.

Now I’m not someone to wallow in misery. I don’t like it! I don’t like the way I feel, physically, emotionally and spiritually. So what do I mean about being present in the moment? Especially the moments that are so difficult to just breathe in, let alone be present in.

For me, being present has been my biggest challenge these last few weeks especially. I have done all the things that I was told while growing up in order to do to banish the blues that. I have reached out to others who are ‘suffering’ and helped to lift them. I have distracted myself with work, TV, reading, listening to Audible books (especially spiritual writings). Then I’ve tried a few newer things in my toolbox like getting support from Loved Ones, professionals, meditation, prayer, journaling and others. I have learned the hard and painful way that sometimes those whom I thought were a safe harbour just didn’t even want to be present to me. I learned to retrace and find my boundaries both personally and professionally. I have confided and been betrayed. I have reached out and found no lifeline. I have locked myself away and just wasted. I have prayed, meditated, read, practiced what I read. I have been doing the 40-day gratitude challenge with Melody Beattie, Make Miracles in Forty Days: Turning What You Have into What You Want. Today, is day 35 (5 days to 40).

Yet here I am, still battling something that seems to have no end. I hang onto the promise I had just under 5 years ago. As I approach the 5-year mark I grow both more excited and fearful: Excited that this dark journey will soon be over. Fearful that it may not be and that I may have been totally out-to-lunch when I heard it back in 2010.

I have also been reading a great book that my Doctor had recommended, The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer. I have been learning that I can still feel all the feelings, witness all the pain, feel joy in the moment, all basically by standing back and observing the moment like a movie staying detached, non-judging, listening and feeling but with the knowledge that although I am experiencing, feeling, that I don’t have to be dragged down by it. Sort of like watching a high drama TV show.

So, back to today – the moment. I was driving to see my Doctor today. I was listening to Google giving me directions to his other medical centre and growing frustrated because I was going to be late. I was also feeling frustrated that I’d have to text my son with undesired news. I was called in, reviewed and dismissed all in about 15 minutes. I was floored. I was already feeling like $h1t. I thought he would be of some sort of help.

Last week, my son, Tim had said he was going on a working retreat to Harrison Hot Springs for next weekend. I felt my spirit jump. Then I worked out all the costs and realized that it was beyond me. So I gave up. Then my son offered to cover some of my expenses. But it was still out of my budget. It seemed ‘wrong’ (my judgement call) that I would even consider the expense after not giving Christmas gift due to budgetary constraints. So on Friday night I prayed. Yes I do pray! My prayer life looks very different to what it used to. I asked that if my spirit jumped for a good reason (a writing retreat) then the means to get there and ability to stay there would happen.

This morning was the deadline for me. I wanted to be fair and give Tim notice. So after my Doctor’s appointment I texted him and told him I wouldn’t be able to go. Then he called me not five minutes later, having NOT seen my text, with the news I wasn’t going. I was stunned! I really don’t understand why I am still stunned by miracles; but I am. My room is covered. All I have to do is cover my ferry costs and meals. Well meals will be easy because I can take some non-perishables with me and still enjoy one or two out.

So this is what I have observed about being in the moment this time:

• First, I realized that this was beyond my means. It would take a miracle.


• Second, I made my request without being attached to any particular outcome. “Thy will be done”. 


• Third, I spent the time between my prayer and its answer just going about the daily tasks without worrying or manipulating what I wanted. I remained present in the moment and not in a desired future, which would only cause me anxiety.


• Fourth, when it looked like the answer was no, I let it go and spoke my current truth.


• The result was that Tim had a new plan that had come together completely unexpectedly and he was able to be part of the miracle I had asked for.

So why was I feeling down this morning? Does that not show I was not living in the moment? Well I could judge all of that; and have often done so, in the past. But instead I observed my mood change, and just went about my day without attaching it to anything. It just was! It’s okay to feel sad when something happens that we don’t want or like. Be present to it, but don’t judge it (or more importantly judge myself).

 

Be Present and In the Moment...

In With The New & Out With The Old

That’s an expression I can well remember from my childhood. I still hear it from time to time. But not that often anymore.

When we think about New Year’s we often hope that the succeeding year will be a better one; especially if the passing year wasn’t what we had hoped for. Rarely does time explicitly mark a good year from a bad year. It just doesn’t work that way.

In her Christmas speech from The Throne in 1992 (the year of Princess Diana’s untimely death) Queen Elizabeth II called the passing year her annus horribilis. I’m sure for all concerned it was a horribly difficult year to get through. So much changed that year for the Royals.

Yet even though 1992 was not the year they had planned, or wished for, they poured their energies into moving forward immediately without waiting for 1993. There were two young lads who needed some reason to get up in the morning again. They needed to find a new normal.

Fast forward some 23 years, that annus horribilis, as terrible as it was has transformed the Royal Family, Great Britain’s view of the Royal Family, how the Royal Family would respond in-turn to such events in the future, and how events like that accident are broadcast. I recall that, for the most part, the media coverage had a very respectful air to it. I know it wasn’t 100% so. But then again, there will always be those who are out to make the big buck for the perfect shot or story.

I doubt, though, that when Queen Elizabeth II named that year, that she really believed that January 1, 1993 would be the dividing line that would make everything go back to normal. The truth is that nothing went back to normal ever again. The Royals, the country, the world changed at that moment and nothing was the same afterward. We all found a new normal.

There is so much that can be said about a global consciousness or other spiritual or philosophical ideas. I’ll leave that for another time, perhaps. Princess Diana’s death was just one example of this principal, and probably the first person to affect the global consciousness in such an impactful way. Other events that did this were the precursors to both world wars, many smaller wars, the depression, the Nazi rise and fall, etc. But the way Princess Diana’s death affected the world had very different results as compared to the others just mentioned. But like I said, that’s for another blog post.

What I really want to drive home today is that the marker we call New Year’s Day, today, January 1, 2015, isn’t really a game changing moment. It is actually just another day in the life of….(you fill in the blank). Today is usually used for the start of New Year’s Resolutions like dieting, exercise, ending habits, making those changes that we so very much want. We have all done it and all discovered that these promises to ourselves seldom have the results we want or need.

Take the example of the alcoholic or addict. How many do you know of actually marked January 1 as the game changer for them? What happened, or changed, happened and changed in the moment that they realized that change was not only necessary, but attainable.

It is exactly the same for any other ordinary or extraordinary life changing moment; it happens because we are present in the present. We release the past and the future and choose to live in the moment, the present. That is the aha! moment. That is the game changer.

So if you are looking to make a change in your life. Realize that it doesn’t happen today just because it’s January 1, 2015. It happens because you are in the moment, letting go of all the pain of the past and the dreams for the future. You can still use January 1 as that marker. In fact if that was your plan anyhow, do it! But don’t place any magic or power in this date. Place it in the truth that is yours in this moment, forever more.

In With The New & Out With The Old