I sensed back then that there was change coming. Little did I realize what that change was and where it would take me. I’m glad, in retrospect. It’s been a real roller coaster ride. I was given a strong sense, this particular day, that I was deeply connected to the ‘great toll free number’ (God, Universe, Spirit, Creator…) And I was surprised this day to ‘hear a voice’ (no I’m not mentally unstable). What I heard has remained embedded in my mind ever since. “James, in three to five years, your life will look VERY different to what it does now.” And it would be repeated again and again in the following weeks. It was as if a sacred contract had been written and I was just being made aware of it. For more on Scared Contracts I recommend Caroline Myss’ book by the same name.
On my birthday, a few weeks after that event, July 1, my partner of 9.5 years would propose marriage. I was blown away! He had always made it clear that he didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, especially within the GLBTQI community. I knew this was the beginning of the change. But as I already said, “Had I known what was coming…….” A few weeks later, on September 19th, we were married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony with our closest friends and family present.
Fast forward to July 31, 2011 (about ten months). I can remember getting up that morning and checking to make sure everything was packed. My three kids were on their way over to help me move out. I said goodbye to my husband. He went downstairs to the salon to work his usual Saturday. After he went out the door I collapsed, literally, into a puddle of tears. It was over! I knew it. I knew I would never be coming back to my home of 10 ½ years. The bridge had been burnt for the final time and I wasn’t willing to try anymore. I can remember hearing that same voice say to me, “James, you can’t let the kids see you like this. They need to know you’ve made the ‘right’ choice.”
Fast forward, again, to year three (2013). My consulting business had pretty much closed due to the economy and how it was affecting charities. My health had gotten to the point that working was not possible – at least not without a huge price. At this three-year mark I was forced to go onto disability. It was also around the same time that I started to write this blog. I knew it was temporary. But it was a blow nonetheless.
Fast forward, once last time, to now – just coming into year five. My health has returned. I am well and strong and able to work. I have been working part-time (sometime full-time hours) at a local funeral chapel. The hours are unreliable and the wage is not enough to sustain me even at full-time. The past three months Provincial Disability has seen fit to only allow me $166.00. It has been by miracle after miracle that the rent was paid, groceries bought and bills covered. I say it because it’s true; if not for my daughter living with me and sharing costs (sometimes covering until payback) I would not have this comfortable apartment to live in.
So for the last several months (close to a year now) I have been searching for work that will sustain me and bring about financial stability and independence again. It has been another roller coaster ride to be honest, both emotionally and financially.
When I moved out on my own I set up a list of what I felt needed to happen before I’d ever even consider a relationship again. I also stated what I desired in a relationship. Except for one short reminder last autumn I have stayed true to that list. I am left with two items – both interrelated and necessary to complete the list: Work! Work that is not going to suck the energy out of my psyche/soul. Work that is going to pay a goodly amount so that I can have independence and pride again. Work that remains illusive for a variety of factors. I am one of those lucky people who has seen a great diversity of work in my professional life, although all somewhat similar in skills and qualifications. I have a strong C.V.. But I lack a degree to back up all that I’ve already accomplished professionally. Now you and I know that this just doesn’t make sense. I have done the work for 25+ years. Yet I still need a degree to prove I can do the work!!! It has been very frustrating, even knowing this is the way it is supposed to be. It is the contract I agreed to.
When I’ve applied for work that is not up to the level of work I’ve previously done I am not hired because the potential employer sees me staying a short time until I find more suitable work. Fair point. When I apply for work I am skilled to do I’m told that I have a lot of experience; but not qualification (degrees).
So during this last week I have been recollecting on this wild, wild roller coaster ride and how this particular journey began almost five years ago. I feel anxious because I know I need to move forward or the cost is going to be extensive to me yet again. I am excited because I believe that what is coming is going to be the most beneficial experience for my life. Terrified, because ultimately I have no control on how this will play out. Panicked because I may just fall flat on my face yet again. And, admittedly, terrified that I may actually have success!
Isn’t that a weird and wonderful paradox: Scared to fail and scared to succeed? “Why is that?” I ask myself. Why am I afraid to fail? Well that’s pretty obvious. But why am I afraid to succeed? Well like most people, even though life is very uncomfortable right now, it is what I know. I’ve lived in this discomfort for nearly five years now. And moving into a new unknown is very intimidating to anyone, unless they are of the adventurous type (and even they, if honest, would admit some reticence.) Having confessed that, though. I know I’m ready. I’m ready to leave behind this part of my life. I’m ready to leave behind the sadness, worry, anxiety. I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to have change. I’m ready to change. It’s my turn!
My email signature says it all. I was inspired to start using it during the last five years. Little did I realize that it really does mean what it means.
Change is the only constant in life.
..GROW with it.
…GO with it.
….EMBRACE it.
…..CAUSE it.
…….Life is a Journey
What's Next?
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