Be Present and In the Moment...

…even if you don’t want to! Especially if you don’t want to.

I woke up this morning feeling really down. That’s not all that unusual for the last few months. I have been doing battle with depression as many of you know. It has been hard to see any positives in life. It has caused my creative energy to be completely blocked. The last couple of weeks have seen improvement though.

Now I’m not someone to wallow in misery. I don’t like it! I don’t like the way I feel, physically, emotionally and spiritually. So what do I mean about being present in the moment? Especially the moments that are so difficult to just breathe in, let alone be present in.

For me, being present has been my biggest challenge these last few weeks especially. I have done all the things that I was told while growing up in order to do to banish the blues that. I have reached out to others who are ‘suffering’ and helped to lift them. I have distracted myself with work, TV, reading, listening to Audible books (especially spiritual writings). Then I’ve tried a few newer things in my toolbox like getting support from Loved Ones, professionals, meditation, prayer, journaling and others. I have learned the hard and painful way that sometimes those whom I thought were a safe harbour just didn’t even want to be present to me. I learned to retrace and find my boundaries both personally and professionally. I have confided and been betrayed. I have reached out and found no lifeline. I have locked myself away and just wasted. I have prayed, meditated, read, practiced what I read. I have been doing the 40-day gratitude challenge with Melody Beattie, Make Miracles in Forty Days: Turning What You Have into What You Want. Today, is day 35 (5 days to 40).

Yet here I am, still battling something that seems to have no end. I hang onto the promise I had just under 5 years ago. As I approach the 5-year mark I grow both more excited and fearful: Excited that this dark journey will soon be over. Fearful that it may not be and that I may have been totally out-to-lunch when I heard it back in 2010.

I have also been reading a great book that my Doctor had recommended, The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer. I have been learning that I can still feel all the feelings, witness all the pain, feel joy in the moment, all basically by standing back and observing the moment like a movie staying detached, non-judging, listening and feeling but with the knowledge that although I am experiencing, feeling, that I don’t have to be dragged down by it. Sort of like watching a high drama TV show.

So, back to today – the moment. I was driving to see my Doctor today. I was listening to Google giving me directions to his other medical centre and growing frustrated because I was going to be late. I was also feeling frustrated that I’d have to text my son with undesired news. I was called in, reviewed and dismissed all in about 15 minutes. I was floored. I was already feeling like $h1t. I thought he would be of some sort of help.

Last week, my son, Tim had said he was going on a working retreat to Harrison Hot Springs for next weekend. I felt my spirit jump. Then I worked out all the costs and realized that it was beyond me. So I gave up. Then my son offered to cover some of my expenses. But it was still out of my budget. It seemed ‘wrong’ (my judgement call) that I would even consider the expense after not giving Christmas gift due to budgetary constraints. So on Friday night I prayed. Yes I do pray! My prayer life looks very different to what it used to. I asked that if my spirit jumped for a good reason (a writing retreat) then the means to get there and ability to stay there would happen.

This morning was the deadline for me. I wanted to be fair and give Tim notice. So after my Doctor’s appointment I texted him and told him I wouldn’t be able to go. Then he called me not five minutes later, having NOT seen my text, with the news I wasn’t going. I was stunned! I really don’t understand why I am still stunned by miracles; but I am. My room is covered. All I have to do is cover my ferry costs and meals. Well meals will be easy because I can take some non-perishables with me and still enjoy one or two out.

So this is what I have observed about being in the moment this time:

• First, I realized that this was beyond my means. It would take a miracle.


• Second, I made my request without being attached to any particular outcome. “Thy will be done”. 


• Third, I spent the time between my prayer and its answer just going about the daily tasks without worrying or manipulating what I wanted. I remained present in the moment and not in a desired future, which would only cause me anxiety.


• Fourth, when it looked like the answer was no, I let it go and spoke my current truth.


• The result was that Tim had a new plan that had come together completely unexpectedly and he was able to be part of the miracle I had asked for.

So why was I feeling down this morning? Does that not show I was not living in the moment? Well I could judge all of that; and have often done so, in the past. But instead I observed my mood change, and just went about my day without attaching it to anything. It just was! It’s okay to feel sad when something happens that we don’t want or like. Be present to it, but don’t judge it (or more importantly judge myself).

 

Be Present and In the Moment...