Saying Goodbye

It has been three months since I last wrote anything for my blog. I’ve been wrapped up in life and have neglected my Craft. And I can only offer excuses and not reasons for not taking 15 – 30 minutes – even every few days. Really! I love writing and the truth is I have tons of excuses but only one real reason…laziness!

I have a two-fold purpose for this posting:

• To say thank you
• To try to say goodbye

So let’s start with Thank you. Thank you to each and everyone one who has been so supportive to Sarah and me. And a special thank you goes to Sarah-even though you feel as terrible as I do, Tim and Michelle who have let me grieve they way I need to grieve. All of your kind words, thoughts, prayers, gifts of wonderful energy are so appreciated. If you’d said to me some ten years ago that I would experience the death of an animal companion and grieve so profoundly, I would have said, “Poppycock! How self-indulgent!”

We invite these animal companions into our lives and they become part of our family, even part of our identity. People here in Ladysmith are used to seeing me out and about with Gracie. This wonderful town is pretty dog-friendly. I could take her into the pet store, drugstore, butchers, café as well as other places. If Gracie wasn’t with me they’d ask after her.

I’ve had ‘pets’ come and go throughout of my life. But I’ve never felt so much pain and grief as I have with the death of my Gracie. She was to me a magnificent wee dog! She brought laughter to me when I was miserable. She brought warmth and healing when I was ill. She was my protector after my breakup nearly five years ago. She gave me reason to get up in the morning; she had to go out. She would bring one of her toys for me to play with her when I wasn’t feeling playful. She was a kindred spirit and, I believe, one of my soulmates through many incarnations.

She had her quirks, too! She didn’t like strange little elderly ladies. She’d growl and sometimes even go ballistic! She really didn’t care for little children either. Probably because they had a tendency to dive into her face. She’d growl at a child who was nearby in anticipation. She was also terrified of anything on wheels.

Since moving to our current apartment more than two years ago, Gracie stopped sleeping with me. Instead she would wait, every night, for the sound of Sarah’s car engine. Even after Sarah had traded her car in, it only took less than a week for Gracie to know the change. She would hear the car engine coming around the back of the building and start to growl and tremble working herself up into a frenzy so that when Sarah came through the door she’d fly off the couch (not good for Doxies by the way) with an explosion of barking. She had this very cute, what I called, hound bark. It was different from any other bark. It was a joyful bark.

So after spending the day with me she’d snuggle up to Sarah, just waiting for that moment when it was time to go out and then off to bed. She’d often even lead the way to bed! She loved sleeping with Sarah. And I know that Sarah misses that company.

I miss Gracie more than I can describe. Her last 2 ½ weeks were filled with inexplicable, excruciating pain. For the first few days, because I had been in and out of hospital myself, Sarah took on being nurse for both Gracie and me. After a few days I took over the night shifts. It would mean waiting up until midnight to give her pain meds and being woken either by alarm or her alarming screaming between 3am – 4am for another dose of meds; then a repeat at 7am – 8am. And the same throughout the day. It would mean cradling her through the gap between doses when the drugs wore thin.

On Good Friday she was inconsolable. When Sarah came home and neither of us, nor the drugs, could console her we agreed it had come time to say goodbye unless the Vet could assure us that she’d get better. I emphasize Good because the majority of Good Fridays throughout my life have been peppered with some sort of pain or sorrow. I can actually say I dread Easter as it approaches every year!

She’d been diagnosed with an injured neck. Likely caused with all the carfuffle the night I was taken to the hospital. We even thought it might be sympathy sickness. Then she was diagnosed with an infection. Then back to her neck. Then a stomach ulcer was added to the list. The new Vet at Chemainus Animal Hospital was not the sort I’d ever see again! He was filling in for our/Gracie’s favourite Vet, Dr. J. Pollock. The only words I can come up with without being crass that describe him are self-righteous and mean! He lectured me for giving Gracie a particular treat. It was the only treat that her sensitive tummy could stand during her short life. Apparently when I’d left her with him she crapped all over the floor and because the treat was charcoal-based her poop was blackened which was always the case even when she was healthy. So he diagnosed her with a stomach ulcer, likely caused from the Prednisone he’d put her on for her neck. He was then obviously angry because that ruined his quick diagnosis. Her poop wasn’t black because of the presence of blood in it. It was the treats!

Then in the last few days he lectured me, quite firmly shall we say, for giving Gracie too much pain meds. They weren’t working! What else could I do? They also sent us home over the previous weeks with THREE different syringes which were labelled completely differently. So it would have been easy to mix up the dosage because one syringe measured ml while the other measured cc and yet another measured both. The instructions were to give her between 3 – 5 ml. That was easy enough for me. I even used one syringe to measure out and compare to the others. Just so I didn’t accidentally overdose her. And then he said that she should be able to get through with only the Fentanyl patch. it was applied the day prior to her death. No need for other drugs!!! He was so controlling that he sent her home with me on that last Thursday with only 5 pre-filled syringes with pain meds. By Friday night there were only two left. I told him it wouldn’t be enough. I told him I was concerned that since it was the long weekend that we’d be left without proper support. But he said I was abusing the drugs! I told him that he had not given enough meds to get her through until the Fentanyl kicked in – if it kicked in! But he was right and I was stupid!!! But I know he was NOT right. And I am NOT stupid.

The final Vet, Dr. Wiley at Duncan Animal Hospital saw Gracie in her tortured and well-drugged state and could see she was in agony. She felt strongly that all previous diagnoses were incorrect and after checking Gracie’s neck for movement said it was likely neurologically based and likely an advanced case of Cryptococcosis. There was no hope for Gracie. It had gone too long.

I’ve spent some time (as long as my sadness could allow at a time) researching Cryptococcosis. It is possible that Gracie had picked up the fungal infection up to nearly a year ago. She may have had none or only the occasional symptom in that time. But it’s a weird infection in that it can sit dormant and then go crazy in the system.

So we said goodbye. I have only ever experienced that much grief when my parents died. No other person, and certainly no other pet could equal the amount of pain I’ve felt. I remember feeling like the grief of the collapse of my last marriage was horrible. But losing Gracie has gone way beyond that.

She is gone! I believe that she and I have travelled together through other lifetimes and we will again; perhaps, as Sarah told me at the time, even this lifetime again. Who knows? There is a great deal of controversy as to whether or not dogs, or animals in general, have souls. In the words of Allen and Linda Anderson in the book Saying Goodbye to your Angel Animals:

We believe that animals don’t have a soul. Animals ARE souls. We believe that animals and humans are cut from the same Divine cloth by the same Divine hand. As souls, we are all one; we are all interconnected. Each soul experiences life in whatever way serves it best spiritually in this lifetime…All souls grow spiritually in the sweet garden of unconditional love – an aspect of life in which animals tend to excel. Animals are masters at loving as God loves, unconditionally.

I believe that every person we have ANY contact with in our lifetimes are bound to us, and us to them, with a Sacred Contract.  There are many authors out there to study. My favourite is Dr. Caroline Myss.

The Andersons go on to say that There are profoundly sacred agreements that two souls, wearing the physical bodies of different species, can keep with each other.

I am so grateful for the nearly eight years we’ve had this time around. And although I will miss her terribly for a while and tons for the rest, I know we chose the best possible and merciful action. We couldn’t stand to watch our precious sweet, sweet girl suffering with no hope of alleviation.

We plan to have a memorial ceremony at which time we will bury her ashes. This will likely happen in June or July and will be officiated by one of my fellow Life-Cycle Celebrants™, Ceri Peacey. More details to follow. We have chosen the pet companion urn we will use for Gracie as well. This will be purchased from Honor Your Pet Aftercare Services.

To my sweet, sweet baby girl,

Gracie, when unexpected, you brought tears of joy to my sad eyes. You and your cute little bear-like paws. You allowed us to dress you up in an Elf/Santa’s Helper outfit at Christmas. You gladly wore some ugly sweaters until we found the best one that fit your long back and personality. You showed us that there is immense joy in the simple things; like a stinky, ripped-to-pieces piece of material that once resembled a squeaky animal toy that you disembowelled within minutes of receiving it as a gift.

You came into our lives as the runt of the litter. You left our lives leaving the biggest hole in our hearts. You came to us at just the right moment. But we feel you left us too soon! I know you didn’t really. That this was the agreed-to contract between us. I’d just hoped for another ten years at least.

I miss you terribly, my little darling.

Love Always,

Your Daddy

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