Small Miracles

As I was driving to work this morning I decided to cut off the Parkway at the bottom end of Nanaimo and drive through town, even though I was running late. Usually I feel a bit more confident that I will arrive a bit earlier using the Parkway. As it turns out I was still five minutes early anyhow.

But arriving safe and sound and on time for work isn’t what this entry is about. It’s about listening to your gut (or intuition, lead, inner voice, higher self, guide, angel, whatever you’re comfortable using) and being in the moment; not the future.

Lately, as you know from my previous POSTING I haven’t been present to the moment as much as would like. I’ve been dwelling on something that hasn’t happened yet, its possible fall out, massive or tiny changes to my life and routine, both good and challenging. But this morning I followed that inner voice.

Even though I haven’t been feeling like I’m very present, I have been practicing to learn to listen to the inner voice; and even asking for direction. I’ve been doing this in a lot of ways. But today it was just about getting to work the ‘best’ way.

As I stopped at the first set of traffic lights coming into town I looked out my driver’s side window and stared at the cement and asphalt median. It is about 10 feet across at that point. I was looking at the starkness of it – but not totally present to it because I was living in the future and worrying about not getting to the office on time. Of course, my worry was a total waste of energy.

My eye caught a glimpse of a little spot of grass pushing up the asphalt. It was no more than an inch in width. But it was a few inches tall. All of a sudden I was reminded about my life and how I keep wanting that miracle to occur that will shift me forward; yet anxious about it too. I was aware that in this mass of barrenness a few blades of grass had pushed through against all odds. After all how can a few blades of grass pop up and conquer that heavy baron existence? I guess it was a miracle of sorts when I really gave it some thought.

Now realize that this all occurred in just a matter of seconds! As I look at what seems to be the flat, stark existence I seem to see for kilometres around me (basically my place in life right now) there can be miracles. Just STOP and look. They’re there. I know they are. From the glory of spring coming to life around us to how truly blessed I am. Yup I’m weary of the way things seem these days. But I have a roof over my head (including the elephants I swear live in the apartment above). I have food in my tummy. I have friends. I have what I have. I have my life.

As I typed away I was reminded that when things seem to be at their starkest look for the blades of grass pushing up through the baroness around you. It may not be the particular thing I’m waiting for. But it is there. Today stop and look for the miracles; no matter how small.


Small Miracles

Hurry Up and Wait!

I dislike intensely the waiting process. It’s as if the Universe is sitting back having a good old laugh at my expense. Well that was a weird picture in my mind. You see, I know that I am supposed to be moving forward to ……something….. Just what that something is I don’t know. And being true to my Cancerian nature, I need to know. I need to control my environment or stay in my shell until the storm has passed.

These past few years have all been about letting go. Letting go of stuff, people, non-beneficial relationships. Letting go of my consulting business and so, so, so, much more.

I have such wonderful supportive people around me who are constantly asking how the job search is going. Well…it’s going….I’ve lost count of how many jobs I’ve applied for. So what is it that I’m waiting for? I’ve asked myself the simple question (well not so simple really), is there anything that I’m doing to prevent this moving forward. I don’t think so. I’ve even had a professional re-write my resume and do a template cover letter. I spend hour every week pouring through website after website.

I did have a piece of wonderful news last week. I person on LinkedIn contacted me and offered to pay the outstanding fees I needed to pay to be able to move forward with licensing to be a wedding officiant. As you may know I took a course last year at this time to become certified as a Life-Cycle Celebrant. But due to income I struggled up until the end of last month finally paying the course off. And then this wonderful gift. So I am now creating another website for my Celebrant work.

But what about regular – paying the bills – work? Well I come back to hurry up and wait. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. But I know that it will happen at the perfect moment; no later, no sooner.


Hurry Up and Wait!

Take Your Own Time

Yesterday morning I finished a wonderful book called Walking Home by Sonia Choquette. I highly recommend it to you. A few years ago, noted Intuitive, Sonia Choquette had three major blows in her personal life within the space of three years. First she received a call saying that her brother had died. Six weeks later it was her father. Then a couple of years afterwards her husband moved out and they started down the road towards divorce.

Job Search 101

Over the last year and a bit I have been looking for either full-time work, part-time (to subsidize my current ‘on-call’ work) or contract work (like I’ve done a few times now). I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the job hunt can be demoralizing, confusing and just a great big DOWNER! I have applied to over a hundred jobs now. Possibly more than that; I’ve lost count. I have only had one interview; and only about one tenth have had the courtesy to let me know that they weren’t going to consider me.

As you know the roller coaster ride for me over the last while has been quite the ride. I have asked, and been asked, why can’t I find work? And then there comes the occasional good-hearted person who suggests I just get a job busing tables or at Wal-Mart, etc…

My first issue is often the hardest for me to accept. The Walmart or busing; good idea, except with my back issues, standing for long periods or lifting too much will cause me, short-term, to have to start really popping the morphine and/or in the longterm will land me on my back in bed, doped and iced. In fact, on Thursday I will be having a long-awaited MRI on my neck. Last summer I went to the after-hours clinic locally because I couldn’t turn my neck. The ER Doctor looked at the x-rays he’d ordered and came in saying something along the lines that he was shocked that I wasn’t taking more morphine than what I do currently. I should be in so much pain. The truth is over the last decade I have ‘made friends’ with pain. It is a constant in my life, I just have to choose how much I’m willing to endure before I will take pain meds. Truth is my lower back is the worst of the two areas because it affects my legs so much. So I’ve been told to avoid standing for long periods and don’t do a lot of lifting. Well working at a funeral chapel demands both. But for now, on-call, allows me recovery time. But I couldn’t do it full-time.

The second issue I deal with is that I am over or well experienced, but under qualified. What this causes is those jobs that are below my skills refuse to hire because they believe I’ll be gone at the first opportunity. Let’s be honest, they’re correct. I’ve also had two situations where the interviewer was insecure when reading my resume/C.V. that they don’t want the competition.  One actually admitted it.

I have been designated as ‘disabled’ because of my back and neck issues. I don’t like to think of myself in those terms, so I very seldom talk about it or consider it.

The other issue of taking a lower paying job is that if I do full-time work I will be cut off of my disability allowance and actually be worse off than I am now because I am permitted to earn up to a certain amount. After that they deduct what I earn from what they give me. However, with what I make and the allowance I get it is not financially wise to take a lower paying job. As I wrote about last year around this time I had to make a Consumer Proposal to avoid bankruptcy and still allow me to pay a part of my debts back. Yes it would be easier to go bankrupt. But I have chosen to make some restitution. This means that I make a monthly payment to a Public Trustee. Then there are the other usual expenses, rent, car, gas, insurance, groceries, etc…

So I have a conundrum. And in this way I am like most men; I get downright miserable searching and being refused.  As you know from my entry Loneliness 101 I have also had to deal with a great deal of depression of late, greatly due to this continuing worry of how I’m going to cover bills. Then there is how I feel about myself living off of the government and sitting at home doing my current job – Job Search. And I take that seriously, it is my current job!


I am willing to relocate – within reason of course; although not to Northern Tuktoyaktuk. Yes that’s an actual place, check out the link if you don’t believe me. I am willing to be trained (even more than I am already). Although the type of training that would do the most for me would be a degree program. But with no credit rating I can’t get loans. And government programs would fund it either. I am willing to take a job that I am over qualified for. So what’s going on here? The government says the unemployment rate is only 6.6!!! And the National average time for unemployment is 20.2 consecutive weeks. This include those under employed as well, like me. I’ve already tripled that “average’. Talk about depressing, eh!

So what do I do? Well I schedule time at my job. The job is called Job Search 101. I scour all the Internet resources I can. When I was younger the Newspaper provided this. The Internet is much more thorough than the old Newspapers. In fact, at my part-time job I have to look at the newspaper obituaries. That page also has job ads…all two of them!

My daughter, Sarah, works for a company that will not let people apply in person, with or without a resume. They have to apply through the company website and fill in an application and do some sort of online testing. She says that the problem with that is when you hire based on the website you end up with kids who may seem to have the skills, but not the quality. They are just looking for an easy job to have some extra cash! They don’t usually show up as quality.

So what is to come of Job Search 101? I don’t know. I do know that I’m tired of this. I have laid out to the Universe that there needs to be change and that change needs to be ASAP. I keep hearing from people who have connection with the Universe/God that my time is here. I will find what I need.

In the meantime….if you believe in any Deity at all, please whisper a prayer for me; to find work as well as stay sane throughout this loooooooooooooooong process.


Job Search 101

Meditation 101

How often, how long, how do you, meditate? I’ve had these questions posed more than once in my lifetimeI’ve had these questions posed more than once in my lifetime. When I was a church going man it was called devotions. But that didn’t make it any easier. For over thirty years I was told that it was essential to either have devotions (when I used to attend a church) or meditate.
A few years ago I received one as a gift and then purchased another of these really cute frogs in a “meditation pose”. They were meant to remind me to not take meditating so seriously.

Yes there are those who will tell you that meditating means sitting in the lotus position and humming or chanting. And certainly this is a way of meditation that works for some people. It’s tried and true. It’s centuries old. But it doesn’t usually work for me due to a degenerating spine.

When I was doing my level best to live the life expected of me while in the church I was constantly told that it was so important to maintain a good devotional life. So for many years I really tried to do as I was told. I would take time in the morning for my quiet time. If that didn’t work, and this was usually the case, I would try another time of day.

Devotions became this TO DO item. Now understand, I’m someone who likes lists. But I hated this item on my list! Truly! I did. It was dry and boring. It was serving no purpose in my life. I certainly wasn’t any closer to being holy. If anything it became something that I would add to my list – you know the one – called “I will beat myself up about this” list. I was a dismal failure at this and I always knew it.

Well when I was ‘asked’ to leave the church when I came out I just gave up on it. I figured it was just another item that made me feel like I was worthless.

Fast forward years later, to present time. I have finally found the secret. And I don’t mean the book by Rhonda Byrne. I found that mediation is like a tailored suit. It is totally made-to-measure. It is not a suit that is so tight on you because it fits Susie down the street. I really started to look at various ideas and methods. And then it must have dawned on me at some point. There is no single way to meditate. There is no single type of prayer. Devotion is about your commitment, not your ‘bash me’ list. Besides if I found it agonizing to do the crossed-leg thing, what about people who are confined to a wheelchair or bed? Were they going to be judged? Well, perhaps not by a Higher Power; but probably by a few unenlightened individuals.

I am now committed to meditate in a variety of ways. Sometimes I will put a timer on for 5 minutes and just breathe. And if something (and many things do) passes through my mind I don’t get upset because I should have my head “empty” – as if! If it’s important I usually have a pen and paper or my iPhone close by and I’ll make note of it. I’ve even written on my hand! And then I get back to the breathing. Have you ever stopped to listen to yourself breathe? It is truly amazing. This wonder-full body just sucks air in and pushes it out….automatically! It doesn’t need an oil change every 10,000 kilometres. It doesn’t require the computer to be reset. It just happens. It’s wonderful. It really is. Gosh! Now I’m actually excited about BREATHING!

Other times I will go for a walk. I’ll suit up and put Gracie into a sweater and off we go. Usually I’ll have my iPhone plugged into my ears and Enya is playing…wonderful. And I just let my mind go…or not…depends on the day.

Then there’s a whole ‘new’ type of mediation out there called mindful awareness. Without going into a six-week online course in my blog let me tell you the secret of mindful awareness. It’s sooooooooo simple! First of all let me say, it’s not new at all. Just take time to be mindfully aware of your surroundings, your body and its doings, your mind and its chatter, your breath. Just BE. Stop doing and just BE. But you don’t have to stop and go into a state. You can be mindfully aware typing away at your laptop. I am doing this myself, right now. As I am ‘tuned in’ or mindfully aware of the people around me I can hear bits and bites of conversations. I am sending them Light and Energy. I am absorbing some of the wonderful energy coming to me too.

Pup until a few minutes ago there was a lady sitting beside me here in Starbucks. She was reading the paper and then asked me if I wanted to hear something funny. Without skipping a beat in my ‘mediation’ I said yes and listened while she read a short article to me. Her energy was lovely. But I also sensed that she wasn’t a big talker. It was just nice being aware of her presence, her energy, her spirit…I don’t even remember what the article was about now. It was her spirit that touched me.

I think if I had a favourite form of meditation…..I don’t have one. I like them all and am discovering new ways all the time for my spirit to commune with its Creator, with creation, even with the chattering monkey that is my mind.

Meditation 101. Simple. Easy. Just find what works of you and do it.

Blessings.


Meditation 101

Loneliness 101

Loneliness! is being called the modern plague. Here are some of the sources I found as I researched this blog post:

In 2010 the Mental Health Foundation found loneliness to be a greater concern among young people than the elderly. The 18 to 34-year-olds surveyed were more likely to feel lonely often, to worry about feeling alone and to feel depressed because of loneliness than the over-55s.

Source: The Guardian

 

Loneliness and Social Isolation in the United Kingdom

• 17% of older people are in contact with family, friends and neighbours less than once a week and 11% are in contact less than once a month (Victor et al, 2003)


• Over half (51%) of all people aged 75 and over live alone (ONS, 2010)


• Two fifths all older people (about 3.9 million) say the television is their main company (Age UK, 2014)


• 63% of adults aged 52 or over who have been widowed, and 51% of the same group who are separated or divorced report, feeling lonely some of the time or often (Beaumont, 2013)


• 59% of adults aged over 52 who report poor health say they feel lonely some of the time or often, compared to 21% who say they are in excellent health (Beaumont, 2013)


• A higher percentage of women than men report feeling lonely some of the time or often  (Beaumont, 2013)

Source: Campaign to End loneliness

OVER the last decade, the United States has become a less violent country in every way save one. As Americans commit fewer and fewer crimes against other people’s lives and property, they have become more likely to inflict fatal violence on themselves.

This trend is striking without necessarily being surprising. As the University of Virginia sociologist Brad Wilcox pointed out recently, there’s a strong link between suicide and weakened social ties: people — and especially men — become more likely to kill themselves “when they get disconnected from society’s core institutions (e.g., marriage, religion) or when their economic prospects take a dive (e.g., unemployment).” That’s exactly what we’ve seen happen lately among the middle-aged male population, whose suicide rates have climbed the fastest: a retreat from family obligations, from civic and religious participation, and from full-time paying work.

Source: The New York Times

 

 Suicide and Loneliness

by Kevin Caruso

If you are suicidal and feel intense loneliness, please get help for your suicidal feelings. Please take steps to be less lonely.

If you feel lonely and isolate yourself, your risk of suicide will increase.

So, get out and talk to people. You can talk with people in stores, at events, you name it. Open up to your friends and family.

Ask people questions. Be curious about them and what they do.

Talk.

Interact.

Share a laugh with someone.

Be with people.

And you may find yourself having fun!

The bottom line is, if you feel lonely, take steps so that you will not feel lonely any longer. Loneliness will only exacerbate your suicidal feelings.

If you are seeing a therapist, talk with him or her about your loneliness and ask for help.

If you aren’t seeing a therapist, I would strongly recommend that you make an appointment.

Take action to reduce your loneliness.

And remember that you are a great person.

You are awesome!

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If you or someone you know is suicidal, please go to the Home Page of this (Caruso’s) website for immediate help.

Thank you.

I love you.

Take care,
Kevin Caruso

Source: Suicide.org

 

When Loneliness is not Loneliness

It was only a few short weeks ago, just prior to Christmas actually, during a conversation with my daughter, Sarah, that I came to the harsh realization that there had been a huge change in my mood and that I needed to get some help. Having already been on that ‘special’ part of the roller coaster ride of attempted suicide no less than three times in my life, I knew that I needed to ask for help, including that of my children.

Apparently there was a particular day when I was extremely down that she was concerned that I would try self-harm. I’m very happy to say though, that a long time ago I have made a commitment to the Universe and thus my children that I will never leave that legacy to them.

Recently, around the same time actually, I worked at a funeral where the first parent (Mom) had died a few months earlier with cancer. Now the two adult children stood actually clinging to each other in the rain while their ‘church’ gathered around them, but only to quote platitudes and avoiding the whole painful subject because of their own belief system. But that doctrine is a blog for another time if interest is there. The terrible tragedy of it all was that the daughter had found her father after he’d used a shotgun. An image that would be burned into her mind until another life, likely. I will never forget the empty look in their eyes. It wasn’t pain. It wasn’t sorrow. It was utter emptiness. And only they, just the two of them, could feel it in the way they were feeling it.

Loneliness is a terrible plague. I say that emphatically! I say that passionately! I say that as an emergency!

When I actually looked at what was going on for me I realized, though, that it was NOT LONELINESS that was the culprit for my mood change. It was only a very small part of what was going on for me. Here is a list that I came to realize that was affecting me:

• Seasonal Affective Disorder


• My daily battle with physical pain


• Holiday Blues


• Financial Stress


• Career (or lack thereof) Stress


• A failed attempt at a relationship that fizzled after only 4 months


• A reoccurrence of my lifelong battle with Dysthymia


• Lack of exercise


• Poor diet. I had employed my sweet tooth overtime

It was, in fact, not loneliness that was the core issue, but that terrible ‘D’ word that carries so much stigma – even now in this day and age! That said, loneliness can then become a byproduct of depression. My Mum used to say that, ‘misery likes company’. It’s never been the way with me. It’s just the opposite. When I feel miserable I distance myself – even cut myself off completely. I don’t want people to ‘feel sorry for me’ or employ their ‘need to fix’ me. I also allow my Ego to come out to play because I don’t want to be seen in this weakened condition.

When Loneliness IS Loneliness

The truth of it is, that no matter the core issue, when someone is lonely, they are lonely.

I have been blessed to have people and resources come to my life, especially over the last 5 years, that have shown me that

• I could be and was lonely, even in a relationship


• I could be and was lonely, even in a successful workplace


• I could be and was lonely, even in a small or large group of people

Why is that? I can remember even as a child being on my own most of the time. I’ve never been a friend collector on Facebook. In fact I have only 157 friends if you go by that Facebook number. I know I have many more acquaintances, actually. I could easily site thousands of people whom I know and actually know me. But I wouldn’t call them, no they me, friends in the truest meaning of the word. Acquaintances, work mates, neighbours, maybe.

Why is it in an age when most of the population of the planet is or can be connected virtually, that we now have the worst loneliness and its resulting mental and physical and societal issues?

I’ve learned, I’m very sensitive to other people’s energy. You may even call it their mood (even if well disguised). I sense that. I am also very sensitive to all the people in a room.

I don’t do well at parties. Part of it is a slight hearing problem I’ve had all my life that reduces a group of people, hubbub and music to a lull of what sounds like a device boring a hole in the earth. But what I’ve come to realize is that I, if not careful including the use of alcohol or lack of rest or other factors, can feel bombarded by the host of energies.

Imagine 3 people in a room besides yourself. Imagine number 1 SCREAMING at the top of her lungs about her recent breakup with a dolt of a girlfriend/boyfriend. Imagine number 2 SCREAMING and POUNDING his fists because he’s excited about the new promotion, raise and cute secretary that comes with the raise. Imagine number 3 HAMMERING with a sledgehammer on a tin table because he’s trying not to say how upset he is at his wife for telling him he drinks too much at parties-just before the party! Now imagine 3 more people with 3 more ways of communicating; then 30 more!

It may seem overly dramatic to those of you who just experience a party as that…a party; fun, exciting, mixing, conversation and more. But for those of us who used to be called sensitives or wall flowers, a party can be a pillaging of our senses.

So I’ve actually come to like my time outs. I like being alone. Even if I feel lonely when alone, I often prefer it to going and joining some group like the aforementioned party. I didn’t know all that, though, until I found myself not in a relationship four years ago. At first it was Hell! Truly! The loneliness mixed with the grieving process was daunting. I tried ‘dating’ pretty quickly. That was a disaster! I attracted (energetically) almost the exact same personality I’d just left. I’m so grateful for a good spiritual counsellor and my own inner wisdom (once I chose to listen to it) because I realized I had to STOP! Take time out. BE ALONE. I got tired pretty quickly of being told to that “you just need to get laid. You need to get up on the horse again.” WHO needed me to do all that? Not me! I need more than that.

How often to you sit in your living room with all the lights off, TV off, laptop off, people off? I do it. I am suddenly aware of just how noisy our modern world is. Right now I’m sitting tapping away here. Gracie is sound asleep on her ‘princess heating pad’. Sarah is reading in her chair. There is supposed to be no noise. Yet, there is the noise of the fridge running, the tap-tap, moan and groan of the radiant heat. I can hear cars in the distance. And yes, there’s the tapping of my fingies on the keyboard. Now Gracie is having a bath. My blood pressure is up a wee bit so I can actually hear it in my ears!

For us to really thrive we need to be alone! You may disagree with that, as I would have four years ago. But now that I have done it, I realize how much I need to be alone in solitude. I can do whatever what that aloneness. I can write, type, meditate, snooze, read or simply BE. I absolutely looooooooove to sit by the sea and just be. I love the water. I am a Cancerian after all (the crab).

It’s not an easy equation this loneliness. When is it simply aloneness? When is it another emotional, spiritual or perhaps medical quotient in the equation? When IS loneliness just that…Loneliness? Only you can tell.

What has been so helpful to me is remembering that

• I am part of a created Universe (I do believe that). Therefore there is a Creator who is never far away. All I have to do is reach out.


• I am part of a created Universe with wonderful Light Beings like Angels, Guides, Helpers in the Heavenly realm. All I have to do is reach out.


• I am part of a created Universe with a pro-created family. All I have to do is reach out.


• I am part of a created Universe with acquaintances, friends, loved-ones. All I have to do is reach out.


• I am part of a created Universe with wonderful little creatures like my Gracie. Well I seldom have to reach out. She is always close by.


• I am never really alone. Sometimes I lack the things or people in my life for a few minutes, hours, perhaps days. But I am never truly alone.

So why do I/we get lonely? Only you can tell.

 

I hope that this rather long posting has brought you some insight, hope or direction. If you are lonely, depressed or somehow at the end of your seatbelt on the roller coaster please, please reach out. It’s really not so hard. Go and sit on a park bench if you’re not up to walking (as we can be when like that) and just smile at passers-by; don’t even speak. Or pick of the phone and call or at least text a colleague, friend, family member, loved one. You don’t even have to tell them your lonely or depressed if you don’t want to. Just talk about the weather. Ask them about them. It works! It really does.

Have you ever thought about volunteering?

I would also encourage you to get out your pen and paper (or keyboard) and create some lists. Some ideas:

• Who do I have in my life that are
  
  • friends
  
  
  • work mates
  
  
  • neighbours
  
  
  • people at the grocery store
  
  
  • parents
  
  
  • siblings
  
  
  • children
  
  
  • adopted family members
  
  
  • besties
  
  
  • ministers, counsellors, or the like???
  
  


• Who do I have in my life that may be feeling lonely too? Or for those of you who are not lonely right now, may be lonely and you know it or sense it?


• What has changed in my life in the last few days, weeks, months, even years, that has been a mitigating factor in this?


• What can I ‘fix’?


• What can I get help to ‘fix’ from list number 1?


• What needs to go on the ‘to fix’ list for now and must be dealt with; but the resources aren’t there just now?


• What dream have you lost?


• What dream can be recaptured?


• What dream needs to be buried, either literally or otherwise. Perhaps writing a letter and burying it, washing it, burning it, mailing it, placing it in a special prayer box is needed?


• What can you do to move on, either right now, or pretty quickly? What will it take? Who will you take on that ride with you?

Last Loneliness Thoughts

If you see someone who seems depressed, not just having a bad day or even week, but for an extended time, talk to them. You may be the only real honesty and real caring they’ll feel.

If you are that person find whatever way you need or works for you and press on. Maybe you need to make that call for professional help.

There is a young man who has courageously ‘come out’ about his on-going battle with depression and now even has a stand up comedy routine. His name is Kevin Breel. This is his website.  Take a minute and see him on YouTube here. He has also done a TED Talk here. His Facebook page is here. And of course, last but not least, his Twitter is @kevinbreel.

When it comes down to brass tacks, yes we all could do with a bit of alone time. Yes we all feel lonely from time to time. Yes we all do or statistically will feel depressed at some point. Please don’t be lonely alone. Reach out. Remember that booze, drugs (even prescribed ones-unless there is a chemical issue), sex, any avoidance technique will only cover it all up…for now. But the poopy smell from the elephant in the room will still be there unless you shovel it up and even perhaps shoot that damn elephant once and for all…and not yourself.

Remember you are part of a created universe.

You is special!

God don’t make no junk!

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I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a quick…or long-winded email if you like. James@LifesRollerCoaster.com

Loneliness 101

What's Next?

Those who’ve followed me for a while now will have seen me refer to an event that happened to me back in March/April 2010. I don’t think I’ve shared details like I am about to. Although, I still am leaving out a lot of detail purposely, because that’s how forgiveness works! I had really started to listen to my intuitive voice at that point in time. I was able to ‘read’ people and situations much clearer than I’d ever done before. I was meditating regularly (again, as I’ve said many times – not with my legs crossed saying “Ohmmmmm”).

I sensed back then that there was change coming. Little did I realize what that change was and where it would take me. I’m glad, in retrospect. It’s been a real roller coaster ride. I was given a strong sense, this particular day, that I was deeply connected to the ‘great toll free number’ (God, Universe, Spirit, Creator…) And I was surprised this day to ‘hear a voice’ (no I’m not mentally unstable). What I heard has remained embedded in my mind ever since. “James, in three to five years, your life will look VERY different to what it does now.” And it would be repeated again and again in the following weeks. It was as if a sacred contract had been written and I was just being made aware of it. For more on Scared Contracts I recommend Caroline Myss’ book by the same name.

On my birthday, a few weeks after that event, July 1, my partner of 9.5 years would propose marriage. I was blown away! He had always made it clear that he didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, especially within the GLBTQI community. I knew this was the beginning of the change. But as I already said, “Had I known what was coming…….” A few weeks later, on September 19th, we were married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony with our closest friends and family present.

Fast forward to July 31, 2011 (about ten months). I can remember getting up that morning and checking to make sure everything was packed. My three kids were on their way over to help me move out. I said goodbye to my husband. He went downstairs to the salon to work his usual Saturday. After he went out the door I collapsed, literally, into a puddle of tears. It was over! I knew it. I knew I would never be coming back to my home of 10 ½ years. The bridge had been burnt for the final time and I wasn’t willing to try anymore. I can remember hearing that same voice say to me, “James, you can’t let the kids see you like this. They need to know you’ve made the ‘right’ choice.”

Fast forward, again, to year three (2013). My consulting business had pretty much closed due to the economy and how it was affecting charities. My health had gotten to the point that working was not possible – at least not without a huge price. At this three-year mark I was forced to go onto disability. It was also around the same time that I started to write this blog. I knew it was temporary. But it was a blow nonetheless.

Fast forward, once last time, to now – just coming into year five. My health has returned. I am well and strong and able to work. I have been working part-time (sometime full-time hours) at a local funeral chapel. The hours are unreliable and the wage is not enough to sustain me even at full-time. The past three months Provincial Disability has seen fit to only allow me $166.00. It has been by miracle after miracle that the rent was paid, groceries bought and bills covered. I say it because it’s true; if not for my daughter living with me  and sharing costs (sometimes covering until payback) I would not have this comfortable apartment to live in.

So for the last several months (close to a year now) I have been searching for work that will sustain me and bring about financial stability and independence again. It has been another roller coaster ride to be honest, both emotionally and financially.

When I moved out on my own I set up a list of what I felt needed to happen before I’d ever even consider a relationship again. I also stated what I desired in a relationship. Except for one short reminder last autumn I have stayed true to that list. I am left with two items – both interrelated and necessary to complete the list: Work! Work that is not going to suck the energy out of my psyche/soul. Work that is going to pay a goodly amount so that I can have independence and pride again. Work that remains illusive for a variety of factors. I am one of those lucky people who has seen a great diversity of work in my professional life, although all somewhat similar in skills and qualifications. I have a strong C.V.. But I lack a degree to back up all that I’ve already accomplished professionally. Now you and I know that this just doesn’t make sense. I have done the work for 25+ years. Yet I still need a degree to prove I can do the work!!! It has been very frustrating, even knowing this is the way it is supposed to be. It is the contract I agreed to.

When I’ve applied for work that is not up to the level of work I’ve previously done I am not hired because the potential employer sees me staying a short time until I find more suitable work. Fair point. When I apply for work I am skilled to do I’m told that I have a lot of experience; but not qualification (degrees).

So during this last week I have been recollecting on this wild, wild roller coaster ride and how this particular journey began almost five years ago. I feel anxious because I know I need to move forward or the cost is going to be extensive to me yet again. I am excited because I believe that what is coming is going to be the most beneficial experience for my life. Terrified, because ultimately I have no control on how this will play out. Panicked because I may just fall flat on my face yet again. And, admittedly, terrified that I may actually have success!

Isn’t that a weird and wonderful paradox: Scared to fail and scared to succeed? “Why is that?” I ask myself. Why am I afraid to fail? Well that’s pretty obvious. But why am I afraid to succeed? Well like most people, even though life is very uncomfortable right now, it is what I know. I’ve lived in this discomfort for nearly five years now. And moving into a new unknown is very intimidating to anyone, unless they are of the adventurous type (and even they, if honest, would admit some reticence.) Having confessed that, though. I know I’m ready. I’m ready to leave behind this part of my life. I’m ready to leave behind the sadness, worry, anxiety. I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to have change. I’m ready to change. It’s my turn!

My email signature says it all. I was inspired to start using it during the last five years. Little did I realize that it really does mean what it means.

Change is the only constant in life.

..GROW with it.

…GO with it.

….EMBRACE it.

…..CAUSE it.

…….Life is a Journey

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