Are You Stuck?

Being a Cancerian true to nature, I really don’t like a lot of change. Being a recovering codependent I also can attest that I have stayed too long when it was time to leave, close up shop, burn the ship!

But because I am recovering I have learned to say good-bye when it’s time. I have learned this lesson.

 

Are You Stuck?

"The One"

As a hopeless romantic I really appreciate this one. Having had a very painful experience last time around, I look forward to this one!

"The One"

Throw it Away!? Not!

What do you do with your cooking oil after you use it? What does your favorite restaurant do with its used oil? Here’s a young woman who saw that oily resource being wasted and decided to do something awesome about it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgCevU-HI0Y

Throw it Away!? Not!

Trust the Process!

Do you get tired of hearing people saying,

“Trust the process.” Or, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Or, “This too shall pass” (to which I always want to add, like an bad bowel movement!!!

But the fact of the matter is that you wouldn’t be where you are right now doing what you are doing right now with the resources you have right now had you not gone through the process of getting what you needed and learning to do what you’re doing and reside where you doing your life.

I know, I know, it seems all so…pontifical! (Now follow THIS LINK to get the meaning – go on!) And depending on who says it and when they say it and how they say it, it can be very pretentious, I agree. And I’ve had people do it. Heck! I’ve done it myself when I was feeling helpless and felt I needed to say something!

Like Forrest Gump said, “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” It’s true. You really have no idea what’s around the next corner. To which I say, Thank God!!!

For me I know beyond any shadow of doubt that I would not be here right now, doing anything for that matter, had I not gone through the series of what seemed at the times like disasters, but were actually lessons and steps (means to an end).

I realized this morning that this is the fourth summer that I have been single…actually I said out loud at the time “free”. And I was actually excited about that. But four summers ago as I began the journey of leaving an abusive, broken relationship I WAS NOT excited. I was terrified. I was devastated. I was spinning! I felt like my world was ending. I felt hopeless about any type of future. I felt like I was not just losing the love of my life, but losing my entire life. I’m sure you’ve had that same feeling, and probably more than once.

After that process started I found a place. A lovely little suite in a nearby town. I settled in, albeit in the deepest grief I’ve ever known. Then came the step of financial stress of starting over. Then came the next step of legal separation and then divorce. Then came the step of finding new contracts to support myself. Then came the step of going through my first dark (in more ways than one on the wet coast) winter. Then came the first time I would travel abroad alone. Then came the first Christmas. Then came the next step of my grief an emotional break. Then came the next step, loss of income due to lack of work. Then came the next step of finding a new contract. Then my second big vacation. Then winter again. Then a complete failure of my health from all the stress. Then recovery. Then the best work I’ve ever done. Then a hint of direction for my life again. Then financial disaster. Then recovery.

I’m sure I missed a ton of events, steps and lessons. But you get the picture. Not to hear, “Awwww, poor James!” If you do that to my face I might just laugh at you. Why? Because I know that this whole process has brought me to this moment. Have I always trusted the process? Certainly not! Have I always had faith? Well in some fashion, probably yes, or I wouldn’t be here…yet. Have I fought the process? Yes, at times. Have I liked the process? What are you crazy? No! Am I grateful for the process? Y.E.S.

MY TRUTH: Trust the process. It has been a constant theme in my life these last four years; beginning with the word I had saying that my life would look completely different in 3 – 5 years. That was four years ago last month. And boy, does it ever!!! I hope I am learning to trust the process easier. I hope that I am learning to be gracious and kind to myself when the tough times hit. I KNOW without a doubt, I have grown. Thank you to the Universe for conspiring to help me achieve it. (The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho)


Trust the Process!

Grief is About Letting Go...

Grief is about letting go.

Grief. It comes to all of us…sooner or later. Grieving. We all will have to grieve someone or something…sooner or later.

Yesterday (Saturday), I conducted the memorial service for the husband of a friend. It was only six months ago that I sat at their table planning a similar service for her brother-in-law. And she has had another death to grieve as well. It was the first service in many, many years that I found myself quaking, not from nerves, but in sharing the grief with all attending. It was the first time that I can remember that when I walked out of the chapel I had to make a quick exit to gain back my own composure.

Grief is about letting go.

Last night, my daughter, Sarah, walked into the living room and howled that her friend, Ryan, had been struck by a truck and killed during the day. He was only just starting his life. He had just moved hundred of kilometres away from his family and his girlfriend, to work in Alberta and earn some good income. As she left to go and be with her friends I found myself once again losing that composure.

Grief is about letting go.

This week I realized two of my own dreams were gone. One I have shared already on Wednesday, Bankruptcy? Insolvency? So Weary…. The second ‘loss’ was that of a future I thought was working its way out. The loss of faith in friends I thought I had made; trust gained, but not.

Grief is about letting go.

It’s not been the brightest of weeks. Nope! With regards to Wednesday’s blog, I will NOT be going into bankruptcy. That is good news. I will be doing the consumer proposal I was hoping for. But it will be about another 50 days before I know for sure that my creditors accept my proposal. My Trustee feels quite positive. But it marks a new walk of grief for me, the loss of my credit for a time to come. I have struggled with this process because for me it’s a thing of integrity. But I keep reminding myself integrity is not only about honesty or truth. It’s also about admitting our weakness and working to clean up any collateral damage.

With regards to the loss of faith in friends, I have adopted the philosophy in recent years, that friends are like the tides, they ebb and flow. If the tides pulls out too far then all changes. If it is only a partial tide, then hopefully something will return to normal, whatever normal is! But no matter what the tide does, the seascape changes…forever. Sometimes for the best, sometimes it seems not.

I have also grown in the last few years to know with certainty that even when times seem perplexing, it will pass.

For my friend, she entered into a grief process a few weeks ago when she found out that her beloved had terminal cancer. But her grief journey has only really begun. The one good thing in it all is that she is surrounded by such wonderful people who are there for her and will continue to be there for her.

For my daughter, her friends, his family, grief is just beginning. That sickness of stomach, heaviness of spirit, pain of loss that causes an instant vacuum for a time. For her, the death and loss of yet another friend so young takes away more of that innocence of youth.

My hope and prayer for all of us is that as the tide comes back in, again and again, and until some semblance of the pain is gone, that we all will not become more jaded or that much more cynical of life, of the Universe.

Grief is about letting go.

It seems for me that the last four years has been a constant letting go.

For my daughter it seems so unfair and is hard for this Dad, that her life, so young, has to be punctuated with this and other grief these days.

For her friend’s parents it seems that this letting go is so unnatural because no parent is supposed to outlive their child.

For my friend it seems that she had to let go all too soon, all too quickly, all so inexplicably, almost unnecessarily from what I understand.

Grief is about letting go.

My Truth: Yes, grief is about letting go. But when it seems as though there is so little to hold on to, when does receiving again start? I know it will for I have learned this in my 50 years. Grief: Denial, Anger,Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If you are grieving someone or something today, take a look at where in this cycle you are. Allow yourself to be there. Allow yourself to progress (not necessarily in that order). Be kind; be gentle…to yourself. You deserve it.

Grief is About Letting Go...

Never! I Said NEVER...Judge a Book By Its Cover

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7dPlCzUG44&app=desktop

 

Never! I Said NEVER...Judge a Book By Its Cover

In The Stillness...

This reminds me of the story of Elijah, the Prophet. He was in great distress and ran to a cave on Mount Horeb. While he was pleading with Yahweh for answers to his situation, Yahweh told him to go out to the mouth of the cave and wait for him. Elijah was sent a great wind, an earthquake and a raging fire. But God was not in any of them.

Then came a whisper. In that whisper was the voice of God. And in that moment, for the first time Elijah reacted by pulling his cloak over his face for protection or perhaps in shame. We really aren’t told. And that doesn’t really matter. The point here was that Elijah expected God to be in the HUGENESS of anything, not in the quietness of a whisper.

The Mystic/Poet Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi lived in the early 1200′s. The words in this jewel echo Elijah’s story found in the Bible in I Kings, chapter 19. Elijah is dated around the 9th century B.C., some 2000 years before Rumi. It is quite possible that Rumi had access to some of the early manuscripts that would later become the Old Testament of today’s Bible as he is thought to have practiced Islam who share many of the same prophets in the Holy Qur’an.

Whatever you name “God”, whether that is Goddess, Christ, Holy Spirit, Father, Abba, Universe, Higher Power, Higher Self, Creator, Holy One, Allah, Brahman, or just “Hey you! Are you listening?”, it matters not. However BIG you see that Force, know that he/she is as small as the smallest atom.

I have always been gobsmacked by the surprising way that this wonderful Being interrupts my life. I have had rough periods. I have had horrible periods. I have had sorrow. I have had joy. Like Elijah, when I seek his wonder in the BIG, she always surprises me with not being there at all; but in the small, still, quietness.

Have you had the experience of walking into a giant architectural marvel called a cathedral and just sat in silence and felt with assurance that you were not alone? Have you ever had that same experience just sitting by a quiet lake or stream? Have you had it whilst jumping up and down frantically, screaming in stress? Or when the TV or audio device was blasting your eardrums? I know my experience is that it is usually (and I’m being very cautious with the word usually, because it is almost always actually) when I take the time to be quiet and shut out the noise of the world and calm my inner noise as well that it is then that I find the answer I am looking for. There is always an answer. Again in my experience it is yes, no or wait. But there is always an answer. I just have to listen. Or as I wrote in a series you will find in the Archives, Practice The Presence.

In The Stillness...