Growing up I was either taught overtly or covertly that GUILT was a good thing. What?! Why?! How does it help?
Often times when we belong to a group, whether it be a church, religious group, support group, even a peer group, we are caused to activate this emotion.
Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP says this about it:
Guilt. Rarely has one small word been so widely misunderstood. Guilt is frequently viewed as a virtue, as a high sense of responsibility and morality. The truth, however, is that guilt is the greatest destroyer of emotional energy. It leaves you feeling immobilized in the present by something that has already occurred.
When an event occurs in our life such as abuse, it often triggers guilt. We then stuff it down, hide it, bury it, deny it. We carry this parcel on our backs adding to other times that may have triggered this and other unproductive emotions. Before you know it we are in the depths of yet another unproductive emotion – depression.
So what’s productive about guilt?
There is actually a good side to this emotion. Let’s say I just said something that was very unkind. In most normal human beings that will activate the guilt emotion. If I am truly doing all I can, being all I can, to be a compassionate person I will feel that emotion like the slap of an elastic around my wrist. I then have a choice. Either I ignore it, justifying it somehow; or I see it for what it is, an unkind word that needs to be cleaned up. Sometimes though, through peer conditioning, cultural conditioning, I can choose the second way and still carry the guilt. Why is that? Because I choose to.
I’ve said it before and I state it again, no one can make me feel anything. No one has control of my emotions or thinking. If that’s correct then there is only one person in control here – ME!
Sometimes though, I notice that even if I have dealt with the situation I still get that jab in the ribs about it. That’s not necessarily guilt though. That’s just our fantastic mind’s computer remembering they way it is supposed to so that we can avoid making that same choice again. If I leave it there, even thank my mind for the reminder, all is well.
However, if I choose to wallow in it, carry it, hold on to it than it will show up at the most in opportune time. For me, this usually results in a time of depression until I’m ready to let it go. Sometimes this has to happen repeatedly. Sometimes it’s gone as quickly as I have dealt with it.
I have found a wonderful ritual that works pretty well for me. I take the incident and write it out with all is misery and self-abuse. Then I finish up the writing with some sort of wording that helps me to let go. This could be something like, “I now release this non-beneficial energy from my mind and body,” or, “I now forgive myself for this incident and allow myself the grace to know better next time”. Whatever works at the time will be used. Then I burn the writing.
Dr. Purcell goes on to say:
Now don’t misunderstand me: Human beings need to have a conscience. According to Webster’s Third Dictionary a conscience is “the sense of right or wrong within the individual.” Without a conscience we would have no compunction about hurting one another, and the world would be less safe. When your conscience tells you that you have done something wrong, it is important to face it, make amends and learn from your mistake. Staying consumed with guilt, however, will keep you from moving forward in a positive and productive way.
Yes, we do need a conscience. But we don’t need to carry around our choices like cinder blocks on our shoulders causing us to function at lower levels. So acknowledge it, deal with and then let it go…please.
Guilt
