Life Happens

Life’s a funny thing. Growing up I had no fantasy that life was easy. It was difficult for me as far back as I could remember. What was a fantasy was that there were so many people out there that had it sooooooo easy and all I had to do was find the magic that they knew. You know the ones, “The Secret is just to manifest the great things that you can have…” “Just follow my 10 step plan to success!” “The world is at your feet, seize the day!”

Through my forties I attended a ton of workshops, read a ton of books, articles and information. I bought in with all my heart, soul and mind that all I had to do was what they told me. But wealth never came. I have faced bankruptcy once and more recently a Consumer Proposal to avoid bankruptcy. I have been married to an addict with many addictions. I believed that all I had to do was “be me” and all the rest would fall into place.

The past 5 years of my life have been the most challenging of my life. Thus the birth of this blog, Life’s Roller Coaster. Life is a roller coaster. There are the ups and the downs, the laughter and the tears, the rush of adrenaline and the deep, dark, secret called depression.

I have dealt with a painful breakup and a vindictive divorce. I have lost my home and my treasured garden. I have had a great income and no income. I have had bright days and yes the darkest of days.

I remember from my church days hearing the verse (or rather platitude) that God will not send you more than you can endure. First of all that’s based in I Corinthians 10:13 which refers to temptation not the painful times of life. That’s why I say platitude. Often well-meaning people in our lives struggle as they watch us struggle. They struggle because they don’t know what to do or say that could help. So they say something that is just not helpful. Using this particular verse insinuates that God sends us the painful times in our lives. What????!!!! And then, if we are to believe that God has indeed done this to us, that we are to believe that God will also find a way out of it for us!

My problem with this and many platitudes is that they first of all foist blame. Why should anyone be blamed for the lows on the roller coaster? Do we blame God for a child born with a terminal illness? Or do we blame the child? Or do we blame the parents? Or do we blame…..you fill in the blanks.

Secondly, not only does it promote blame; it promotes a lack of personal power. Yes it’s good to acknowledge that there is a power greater than me. But would that power really expect me to wait and be rescued from the swimming pool of life when I already know how to swim to the side of the pool? My Mum taught me early on that “God helps them who helps themselves.”

So instead of abdicating our power to someone or something, we should take that God-given power back and make good use of it. There is the reality that we live in a broken world, in broken bodies that “suffer” (another abdication of personal power wording) illness (mental and physical), go through rough patches, get hurt in many ways. That’s just life!

Sometimes the roller coaster is terrifying. For me, when I used to go to the amusement parks, the more terrifying the ride, the more likely I was to ride it. Part way through I thought I was going to barf, or worse – die! But I still did it. In fact I would do it over and over and over again. Why? Ultimately I knew I’d be okay. Kinda like life: I knew I had it in me to make it to the end, because there are lots more rides in the park. And there were so many others like me. I wasn’t alone…ever!

So I’ve learned to stop blaming anyone, whether it’s God or Goddess, The Universe or Higher Power. I’ve stopped abdicating my power and have taken it back. I choose which ride I go on. I choose to enjoy or be terrified. I choose to eat junk food before the ride, or not, knowing full well the results.

Yes, I still believe in God. Yes, I still believe that there is a power greater than me that I can draw from. And that’s the key – I can draw from. I choose to wallow or I choose to swim to the side of the pool and get out. Sometimes it takes longer than others. Sometimes it isn’t as easy as I may make it sound.

Sometimes life happens….


Life Happens

Letting off Steam

A familiar expression? This weekend I’ve been enjoying a to visit Harrison Hot Spring with my Son. It is thought that the purpose of hot springs like these and like others around the planet, is to help the earth to let off steam; not just provide us with a wonderful place to luxuriate. Apparently it helps the tectonic plates as they shift; preventing major earthquakes.

Well whatever the reason, this weekend isn’t about lessons in geology for me. It’s just about me being able to visit a positively gorgeous place and experience something that I’ve always been so curious about. Having said that it isn’t what I expected. I pictured in my mind basically a hole in the ground where people are gathering in hot water and just feeling the healing waters flow (picture on the left). Was I ever off with that picture. As you can see from the picture (to the right) it is all modernized. cool the waters so you can get into them without burning. In fact, only about ten minutes from HHS Resort they have a fenced off former bathhouse where the water is apparently so hot that you can be burned. I think the sign said it was about 140 degrees fahrenheit.

Apparently they even

Now get this. I was so sleepy since late morning that I fell asleep in our room for most of the afternoon. Seems I’d taken my night-time meds this morning. Duh! So, yes, I’ve not yet gotten into the water. Silly, I know. However, I could actually get used to this way of living; staying in nice hotels in nice locations. I can eat when I want and what I want (except for a few things that our Tim is having trouble pronouncing at his dinner right now – he texted me). Right now I’m sitting in the coffee shop enjoying a very rich brownie and a nice soya chai latte while I type. I’ll save room for supper later. Or maybe I’ll do as I did last night and enjoy dinner late in the lounge.

I subscribe to the daily word from Conversations with God Author, Neale Donald Walshe. A couple of days ago he sent me  this message: Your soul says to do what brings you joy this weekend! No judgments! I’m not sure if that was pre-mix up meds or after. But I’m enjoying myself anyhow. Good for letting off steam!

Letting off Steam

Be Present and In the Moment...

…even if you don’t want to! Especially if you don’t want to.

I woke up this morning feeling really down. That’s not all that unusual for the last few months. I have been doing battle with depression as many of you know. It has been hard to see any positives in life. It has caused my creative energy to be completely blocked. The last couple of weeks have seen improvement though.

Now I’m not someone to wallow in misery. I don’t like it! I don’t like the way I feel, physically, emotionally and spiritually. So what do I mean about being present in the moment? Especially the moments that are so difficult to just breathe in, let alone be present in.

For me, being present has been my biggest challenge these last few weeks especially. I have done all the things that I was told while growing up in order to do to banish the blues that. I have reached out to others who are ‘suffering’ and helped to lift them. I have distracted myself with work, TV, reading, listening to Audible books (especially spiritual writings). Then I’ve tried a few newer things in my toolbox like getting support from Loved Ones, professionals, meditation, prayer, journaling and others. I have learned the hard and painful way that sometimes those whom I thought were a safe harbour just didn’t even want to be present to me. I learned to retrace and find my boundaries both personally and professionally. I have confided and been betrayed. I have reached out and found no lifeline. I have locked myself away and just wasted. I have prayed, meditated, read, practiced what I read. I have been doing the 40-day gratitude challenge with Melody Beattie, Make Miracles in Forty Days: Turning What You Have into What You Want. Today, is day 35 (5 days to 40).

Yet here I am, still battling something that seems to have no end. I hang onto the promise I had just under 5 years ago. As I approach the 5-year mark I grow both more excited and fearful: Excited that this dark journey will soon be over. Fearful that it may not be and that I may have been totally out-to-lunch when I heard it back in 2010.

I have also been reading a great book that my Doctor had recommended, The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer. I have been learning that I can still feel all the feelings, witness all the pain, feel joy in the moment, all basically by standing back and observing the moment like a movie staying detached, non-judging, listening and feeling but with the knowledge that although I am experiencing, feeling, that I don’t have to be dragged down by it. Sort of like watching a high drama TV show.

So, back to today – the moment. I was driving to see my Doctor today. I was listening to Google giving me directions to his other medical centre and growing frustrated because I was going to be late. I was also feeling frustrated that I’d have to text my son with undesired news. I was called in, reviewed and dismissed all in about 15 minutes. I was floored. I was already feeling like $h1t. I thought he would be of some sort of help.

Last week, my son, Tim had said he was going on a working retreat to Harrison Hot Springs for next weekend. I felt my spirit jump. Then I worked out all the costs and realized that it was beyond me. So I gave up. Then my son offered to cover some of my expenses. But it was still out of my budget. It seemed ‘wrong’ (my judgement call) that I would even consider the expense after not giving Christmas gift due to budgetary constraints. So on Friday night I prayed. Yes I do pray! My prayer life looks very different to what it used to. I asked that if my spirit jumped for a good reason (a writing retreat) then the means to get there and ability to stay there would happen.

This morning was the deadline for me. I wanted to be fair and give Tim notice. So after my Doctor’s appointment I texted him and told him I wouldn’t be able to go. Then he called me not five minutes later, having NOT seen my text, with the news I wasn’t going. I was stunned! I really don’t understand why I am still stunned by miracles; but I am. My room is covered. All I have to do is cover my ferry costs and meals. Well meals will be easy because I can take some non-perishables with me and still enjoy one or two out.

So this is what I have observed about being in the moment this time:

• First, I realized that this was beyond my means. It would take a miracle.


• Second, I made my request without being attached to any particular outcome. “Thy will be done”. 


• Third, I spent the time between my prayer and its answer just going about the daily tasks without worrying or manipulating what I wanted. I remained present in the moment and not in a desired future, which would only cause me anxiety.


• Fourth, when it looked like the answer was no, I let it go and spoke my current truth.


• The result was that Tim had a new plan that had come together completely unexpectedly and he was able to be part of the miracle I had asked for.

So why was I feeling down this morning? Does that not show I was not living in the moment? Well I could judge all of that; and have often done so, in the past. But instead I observed my mood change, and just went about my day without attaching it to anything. It just was! It’s okay to feel sad when something happens that we don’t want or like. Be present to it, but don’t judge it (or more importantly judge myself).

 

Be Present and In the Moment...

In With The New & Out With The Old

That’s an expression I can well remember from my childhood. I still hear it from time to time. But not that often anymore.

When we think about New Year’s we often hope that the succeeding year will be a better one; especially if the passing year wasn’t what we had hoped for. Rarely does time explicitly mark a good year from a bad year. It just doesn’t work that way.

In her Christmas speech from The Throne in 1992 (the year of Princess Diana’s untimely death) Queen Elizabeth II called the passing year her annus horribilis. I’m sure for all concerned it was a horribly difficult year to get through. So much changed that year for the Royals.

Yet even though 1992 was not the year they had planned, or wished for, they poured their energies into moving forward immediately without waiting for 1993. There were two young lads who needed some reason to get up in the morning again. They needed to find a new normal.

Fast forward some 23 years, that annus horribilis, as terrible as it was has transformed the Royal Family, Great Britain’s view of the Royal Family, how the Royal Family would respond in-turn to such events in the future, and how events like that accident are broadcast. I recall that, for the most part, the media coverage had a very respectful air to it. I know it wasn’t 100% so. But then again, there will always be those who are out to make the big buck for the perfect shot or story.

I doubt, though, that when Queen Elizabeth II named that year, that she really believed that January 1, 1993 would be the dividing line that would make everything go back to normal. The truth is that nothing went back to normal ever again. The Royals, the country, the world changed at that moment and nothing was the same afterward. We all found a new normal.

There is so much that can be said about a global consciousness or other spiritual or philosophical ideas. I’ll leave that for another time, perhaps. Princess Diana’s death was just one example of this principal, and probably the first person to affect the global consciousness in such an impactful way. Other events that did this were the precursors to both world wars, many smaller wars, the depression, the Nazi rise and fall, etc. But the way Princess Diana’s death affected the world had very different results as compared to the others just mentioned. But like I said, that’s for another blog post.

What I really want to drive home today is that the marker we call New Year’s Day, today, January 1, 2015, isn’t really a game changing moment. It is actually just another day in the life of….(you fill in the blank). Today is usually used for the start of New Year’s Resolutions like dieting, exercise, ending habits, making those changes that we so very much want. We have all done it and all discovered that these promises to ourselves seldom have the results we want or need.

Take the example of the alcoholic or addict. How many do you know of actually marked January 1 as the game changer for them? What happened, or changed, happened and changed in the moment that they realized that change was not only necessary, but attainable.

It is exactly the same for any other ordinary or extraordinary life changing moment; it happens because we are present in the present. We release the past and the future and choose to live in the moment, the present. That is the aha! moment. That is the game changer.

So if you are looking to make a change in your life. Realize that it doesn’t happen today just because it’s January 1, 2015. It happens because you are in the moment, letting go of all the pain of the past and the dreams for the future. You can still use January 1 as that marker. In fact if that was your plan anyhow, do it! But don’t place any magic or power in this date. Place it in the truth that is yours in this moment, forever more.

In With The New & Out With The Old

Good Grief! Christmas...

Odd name for a post? Not really. In the last year I’ve had the privilege of working in funeral services again. My last very short stint was in 2000. Oddly, both stints have come during major upheaval and change in my own life. Hmm…since I don’t believe in coincidence perhaps not so odd.

Watching other people grieve when you yourself are going through a grieving process is actually very enlightening. I have always maintained that if you feel hard done by then go and volunteer at a community centre or seniors residence or centre. You can usually get your perspective back.

I also counsel that way because in most people’s experience, when you feel down, working with those who are usually worse off, helps you to feel better.

Christmas is a difficult time for many. Not only for the lonely, alone, recently bereaved, etc… But that thing that hits us all at the most inconvenient time called Grief. Grieving is a natural process. And all to often we apply it to the most tumultuous times in our lives, such as a recent death. But the fact is we all grief to some degree for many things. It may well be a death, or job loss, or change in life circumstances, or being passed by for a promotion and/or raise. It is said that grieving is necessary to let go of the past and move into the present with perspective to the future.So when we put that into practice something as simple as losing your favourite pen is an opening for grief to bring about healing from even that seemingly simple loss. I know that sounds extreme. But it’s not when you realize that grieving doesn’t have to include the extreme emotions set out by the Kübler-Ross model, Grief is about letting go period! And we all need to let go of things, people and situations in our lives. The stages that Ms. Kugler-Ross sets out still apply. They may not even be noticed because the loss is so minute. But they still apply.

But let’s step back for a moment to Christmas and the Grieving. I am talking here about those who have lost someone or something dear to them and are having to face a difficult holiday either because their circumstances have changed or they find themselves alone/lonely on this day.

Deaths tend to increase during this time of year. Why is that? Grief! Plain and simple. Whether it be the simple process of someone elderly or terminally ill letting and dying or the tragedy that comes with people trying to escape this life.

This year is perhaps one of the three most difficult Christmas times in my adult life. So how do I cope? How do I not become a statistic? How do I get through it all? Here are some of the things that have helped me:

• No matter how proud you are, don’t do it alone. Get help – professionally if you must. There is no shame in asking your Doctor for help. And your records are private.


• No matter how alone you think you are, you’re not! Stop! Take a few deep breaths! Look around! Write down the people in your life, right from the most undesirable to the most desirable. You may be surprised that they are hiding behind a mask – LIKE YOU! You may be surprised by what will happen when you reach out.


• Set goals for every day. I find that when I have a sense of accomplishment – even it is only getting the dishes done – that I feel better. The more goals I can set and accomplish, the better. But be careful. If you’re an over achiever like I have been in my life, smack yourself….no, no, be gentle (that was Mr. A-Type being channeled from the past). Set realistic goals. And if you don’t get there, so what!


• Get outside. For heaven’s sake. We all know that staring at four walls day in and day out is boring. Well, if you’re feeling blue or depressed it’s a killer. Get out into nature, breathe, walk, say hello to that cute little wiener dog coming towards you…oh and their master too.


• Most of all. Most importantly. Remember this: This too shall pass (like a bowel movement), especially if you do some of the things that you find can get you through.

Remember, you can be even more lonely in a room full of people than in a room by yourself. Find a confident. Find someone who will not shame you, but help you through it.

I came across a young man who understands depression. He has blown away all the stigma that could have surrounded him and kept him down. His name is Kevin. Go to his site and have a listen…..oh and a laugh too. He is an Old Soul who has been ‘gifted’ to show us how to do it. http://www.kevinbreel.com.

Finally, please, please, reach out! Don’t give up! You are really loved! You really are needed. This journey may be a difficult one right now. But it is the journey that your soul has chosen, even if it seems crazy. Take power in that – You chose this journey ever before you were born. And you are among many others who are on the same journey.

Bless you.

Dedication

I dedicate this to those who I consider my rock: My wonderful kids, one of whom reminded me that this Christmas I was to just sit back and receive; that I have given so much in the past. Michelle, Sarah, and Tim. I love you guys. To my Soul Sister, Nicola: Bless you! You know how to make me laugh…just by showing up. The Light we share is made so much brighter when you’re there. And, lastly, but certainly not least, Gracie, my 6 ½ year old Dachshund. Just waking behind you as you run and watch your ears fly in all directions and your bottom bounce wildly makes me wonder how you ever get to where you’re going. But you’ve helped me to get there.

Good Grief! Christmas...