I am my own worst enemy!
I am my own worst critic!
I am a failure and/or a loser!
Now I’m quite aware that these aren’t the most positive statements to start off today’s entry. But isn’t it true of nearly everyone (except those who are totally perfect)? Even if we never state these words, they ring very clearly in our heads at times of stress, loss, unexpected change, demotions, job loss, illness, relationship ending and many, many other deep and dark places on the Haunted House Ride on the midway of life, which can seem what our lives look like.
As many of you know, the last five years for me have been the most challenging years of my life. For those of you who didn’t know that, here’s a small preview into my Haunted House Ride these last five years:
- Started a successful business as a Consultant for ‘charities’
- Got married a year later
- Ended that marriage after only ten months (we were together a total of 10 ½ years)
- Took my first ‘alone’ trip to Mexico
- Lost a major contract
- Slipped into my first deep depression during this time period
- Picked up another exciting contract
- Divorce was finalized after a very ugly battle
- Went on my second big trip as a single; but this time with my son
- Came home to a mess with the ‘exciting’ contract
- Discovered that the Executive Director had been dishonest with the funders and they pulled the funding
- Resigned from that project after working to move it into a program rather than project
- Had several months of no work slipping further into debt
- Had a sudden move of house and home
- Came an inch within claiming bankruptcy but managed to make it through with a Consumer Proposal
- Had to officially close my consulting practice due to how the economy affected charities
- Slipped into my second deep depression during this time
- Trained for and continue my studies in Celebrant work
- and on and on the ride goes….
During this time I was often plagued with anxiety, depression and self-sabotaging thoughts. Then I started to learn about Archetypes, reading author Caroline Myss. And I suddenly realized that I was indeed my own worst enemy and critic. But I’m not a loser – even if I felt that way some days.
Myss defines the Saboteur archetype thusly:
The Saboteur archetype is made up of the fears and issues related to low self-esteem that cause you to make choices in life that block your own empowerment and success. As with the Victim and Prostitute, you need to face this powerful archetype that we all possess and make it an ally. When you do, you will find that it calls your attention to situations in which you are in danger of being sabotaged, or of sabotaging yourself. Once you are comfortable with the Saboteur, you learn to hear and heed these warnings, saving yourself untold grief from making the same mistakes over and over. Ignore it, and the shadow Saboteur will manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviour or the desire to undermine others.
Down the line I will start to bring in the Astrological Wheel. But I wanted to make a quick note here, so that you (and I) see how the Saboteur can affect you (me). My Saboteur falls into the First House which is represented by the sign Aries. And the area of my psyche that Aries represents is Ego & Personality. It also affects Chakras 1 & 3.
Now what does that all mean? Well it can mean whatever you want it to mean really. And the meaning will different from one person’s truth to another person’s truth. But for I can see throughout my nearly 53 years that the Saboteur has been very active in breaking down my ego (positive ego-self esteem) and my personality. And I can see the spiritual effects and damage in my body in Chakras 1 & 3 which represent our groundedness, our roots, our family & loyalty (chakra 1-The Root) and lack of honouring myself, self respect, self esteem, discipline, courage and ethics (chakra 3 The Solar Plexus).
I have found myself both struggling with the above and actually, sometimes not even being aware of it, self sabotaging.
On a physical level these two chakras represent our lower back and connection to the organs below the liver. I have allowed this sabotage to affect my lower back (disks) and often my gut.
Have you ever noticed that when you have that very important meeting that you get so nervous that you will fail in your presentation that you have to spend the hour previous in the bathroom?
For me that’s when my Saboteur is trying to destroy my self-esteem, self-confidence and also my gut. There have been times when I’ve allowed something upset me to the point of actually being physically ill.
So my lesson in this life has been to realize that all is as it’s supposed to be. That I am not alone; that all is one. I have learned to honour myself and my needs. We have a real issue with the term selfish. But it can have ver positive meaning too. It can simply mean taking care of the self. Not over indulging it because that becomes self-sabotage.
These days my Saboteur stands as a Sentinel for my life. Almost like a Guardian Angel. When I allow my Saboteur to speak to me before those situations occur, or by stepping back when they occur, I can actually look backwards and see how similar situations/events occurred and how I permitted them to do damage and then become present and not allow that to happen again.
Have I mastered it? Not at all! I am still a student who has so much to learn. Riding the roller coaster can be so much fun! But if I don’t use my common sense (Saboteur) and don’t buckle in or stand up or something equally as foolish, I will be thrown from the ride of life and be broken again and again. My Saboteur, Guardian Angel, Common Sense keeps me whole.
Since we all possess this archetype, I’d encourage you to stop and take a few minutes and allow the Saboteur to speak to you now. Ask: “What situations am I involved in that will bring me harm? What can I do to avoid bringing harm to another person? How can you, my Saboteur, show me a better way, a safer way, a more fun way, of living my life?”
What are your Archetypes up to?
Next week: The Victim
Other blog entries in this series (first to most recent)
Archetypes on the Midway
Four Survival: The Child
Prostitute! How Rude
You Sank My Battleship!
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