Monday, 30 March 2015
Take Your Own Time
I can’t imagine functioning as well as she did carrying all that grief. She still pushed through with workshops and speaking engagements and clients. But it was through one of those workshops that she heard of the Pilgrimage for El Camino de Santiago (The Way of Saint James). A participant mentioned that it was transformational. For awhile Sonia forgot about it until another participant at another workshop mentioned it again. She got the message!
She set out on her pilgrimage without really ‘training’ for it. 800 Km (yes eight hundred kilometres) later she would arrive in Santiago after walking across Spain in mostly rain and much over hill and dale. She suffered with infections in every toe caused by the footwear she was in. She had had the flu. But more than that she was forced to face the journey of her life and her grief.
Although I found the book absolutely wonderful with so many insights into my own life it wasn’t until the last chapter that she wrote something that brought relief to my own life. In the last five years I have had many blows. The roller coaster has gone up…and down. It’s had me hanging upside down and holding on for dear life. There were people in my life over the last few years who would say things like “You need to forgive and let it all go and you will be done with your grief.” Or “You’re getting bogged down with emotion. Be Spiritual!” Or if they didn’t say that they thought it or said something similar. Oddly Sonia was led to drop non-beneficial friendships and associations. I’ve had that experience too.
Sonia one of a few mentors in my journey. I literally gobble up everything she writes. She dealt with deep scars and much needed healing. She is a powerful six-sensory intuitive. Oh and by the way, before you go wondering, “Why didn’t she see it coming and deal with it or prevent it?” She addresses that too. But I won’t steal her thunder.
The one point that I saw in black in white with great relief was that she can’t just push away her feelings. It’s not how she’s build. She feels very deeply and needs to process at that level and honour herself and take the time to do so. Because of the life she’d created for herself she was always ‘on’ for other people and would just stuff the grief down saying she’d let it go. She did that with her failing marriage for years; with the anger towards her mentally ill brother & anger with her father because she never measured up. But it was while Walking Home that she came face to face with the anger, pain, hurt, abandonment, broken trust and more. She had only stuffed it down. She hadn’t really healed it. She goes on to say that unlike some of the popular Guru’s she does not believe that you can just wish it all away. You DO have to deal with it or it will deal with you through illness and breakdowns. While walking she faced the pain involved with her brother. She dealt with the anger she had for her father. She faced her feelings of betrayal with her soon to be ex-husband. And I’ll tell you this much: I honestly don’t believe I have the stamina that she demonstrated on this month-long walk. Yes I said A MONTH!!!
I know for me, I have to really FEEL my feelings, too. I can’t just pass them by. They don’t pass me by. Quite frankly I don’t believe that they really pass anyone by if they’re being truly honest.
Yesterday, I felt like another layer had been peeled away. I no longer had to worry about what other people said that I SHOULD be feeling or doing. I, too, feel very, very deeply. Most people have no idea how much grief there was in ending BOTH of my marriages, especially the second one. But I do. God did. And now, five years later I can honestly say “I don’t live at that address anymore.” Not a physical address; an emotional & spiritual one.
So if you are in pain or have passed over pain, deal with it in the way that works for you. Yes there possibly are those who can forgive and forget in a matter of seconds (although I really have my doubts). For me, it has taken just over four years to start to feel ‘normal’, or at least a new normal. And I can say I am grateful for the journey. It was painful at times. But it was worth it.
Take Your Own Time
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Job Search 101
Over the last year and a bit I have been looking for either full-time work, part-time (to subsidize my current ‘on-call’ work) or contract work (like I’ve done a few times now). I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the job hunt can be demoralizing, confusing and just a great big DOWNER! I have applied to over a hundred jobs now. Possibly more than that; I’ve lost count. I have only had one interview; and only about one tenth have had the courtesy to let me know that they weren’t going to consider me.
As you know the roller coaster ride for me over the last while has been quite the ride. I have asked, and been asked, why can’t I find work? And then there comes the occasional good-hearted person who suggests I just get a job busing tables or at Wal-Mart, etc…
My first issue is often the hardest for me to accept. The Walmart or busing; good idea, except with my back issues, standing for long periods or lifting too much will cause me, short-term, to have to start really popping the morphine and/or in the longterm will land me on my back in bed, doped and iced. In fact, on Thursday I will be having a long-awaited MRI on my neck. Last summer I went to the after-hours clinic locally because I couldn’t turn my neck. The ER Doctor looked at the x-rays he’d ordered and came in saying something along the lines that he was shocked that I wasn’t taking more morphine than what I do currently. I should be in so much pain. The truth is over the last decade I have ‘made friends’ with pain. It is a constant in my life, I just have to choose how much I’m willing to endure before I will take pain meds. Truth is my lower back is the worst of the two areas because it affects my legs so much. So I’ve been told to avoid standing for long periods and don’t do a lot of lifting. Well working at a funeral chapel demands both. But for now, on-call, allows me recovery time. But I couldn’t do it full-time.
The second issue I deal with is that I am over or well experienced, but under qualified. What this causes is those jobs that are below my skills refuse to hire because they believe I’ll be gone at the first opportunity. Let’s be honest, they’re correct. I’ve also had two situations where the interviewer was insecure when reading my resume/C.V. that they don’t want the competition. One actually admitted it.
I have been designated as ‘disabled’ because of my back and neck issues. I don’t like to think of myself in those terms, so I very seldom talk about it or consider it.
The other issue of taking a lower paying job is that if I do full-time work I will be cut off of my disability allowance and actually be worse off than I am now because I am permitted to earn up to a certain amount. After that they deduct what I earn from what they give me. However, with what I make and the allowance I get it is not financially wise to take a lower paying job. As I wrote about last year around this time I had to make a Consumer Proposal to avoid bankruptcy and still allow me to pay a part of my debts back. Yes it would be easier to go bankrupt. But I have chosen to make some restitution. This means that I make a monthly payment to a Public Trustee. Then there are the other usual expenses, rent, car, gas, insurance, groceries, etc…
So I have a conundrum. And in this way I am like most men; I get downright miserable searching and being refused. As you know from my entry Loneliness 101 I have also had to deal with a great deal of depression of late, greatly due to this continuing worry of how I’m going to cover bills. Then there is how I feel about myself living off of the government and sitting at home doing my current job – Job Search. And I take that seriously, it is my current job!
I am willing to relocate – within reason of course; although not to Northern Tuktoyaktuk. Yes that’s an actual place, check out the link if you don’t believe me. I am willing to be trained (even more than I am already). Although the type of training that would do the most for me would be a degree program. But with no credit rating I can’t get loans. And government programs would fund it either. I am willing to take a job that I am over qualified for. So what’s going on here? The government says the unemployment rate is only 6.6!!! And the National average time for unemployment is 20.2 consecutive weeks. This include those under employed as well, like me. I’ve already tripled that “average’. Talk about depressing, eh!
So what do I do? Well I schedule time at my job. The job is called Job Search 101. I scour all the Internet resources I can. When I was younger the Newspaper provided this. The Internet is much more thorough than the old Newspapers. In fact, at my part-time job I have to look at the newspaper obituaries. That page also has job ads…all two of them!
My daughter, Sarah, works for a company that will not let people apply in person, with or without a resume. They have to apply through the company website and fill in an application and do some sort of online testing. She says that the problem with that is when you hire based on the website you end up with kids who may seem to have the skills, but not the quality. They are just looking for an easy job to have some extra cash! They don’t usually show up as quality.
So what is to come of Job Search 101? I don’t know. I do know that I’m tired of this. I have laid out to the Universe that there needs to be change and that change needs to be ASAP. I keep hearing from people who have connection with the Universe/God that my time is here. I will find what I need.
In the meantime….if you believe in any Deity at all, please whisper a prayer for me; to find work as well as stay sane throughout this loooooooooooooooong process.
Job Search 101
As you know the roller coaster ride for me over the last while has been quite the ride. I have asked, and been asked, why can’t I find work? And then there comes the occasional good-hearted person who suggests I just get a job busing tables or at Wal-Mart, etc…
My first issue is often the hardest for me to accept. The Walmart or busing; good idea, except with my back issues, standing for long periods or lifting too much will cause me, short-term, to have to start really popping the morphine and/or in the longterm will land me on my back in bed, doped and iced. In fact, on Thursday I will be having a long-awaited MRI on my neck. Last summer I went to the after-hours clinic locally because I couldn’t turn my neck. The ER Doctor looked at the x-rays he’d ordered and came in saying something along the lines that he was shocked that I wasn’t taking more morphine than what I do currently. I should be in so much pain. The truth is over the last decade I have ‘made friends’ with pain. It is a constant in my life, I just have to choose how much I’m willing to endure before I will take pain meds. Truth is my lower back is the worst of the two areas because it affects my legs so much. So I’ve been told to avoid standing for long periods and don’t do a lot of lifting. Well working at a funeral chapel demands both. But for now, on-call, allows me recovery time. But I couldn’t do it full-time.
The second issue I deal with is that I am over or well experienced, but under qualified. What this causes is those jobs that are below my skills refuse to hire because they believe I’ll be gone at the first opportunity. Let’s be honest, they’re correct. I’ve also had two situations where the interviewer was insecure when reading my resume/C.V. that they don’t want the competition. One actually admitted it.
I have been designated as ‘disabled’ because of my back and neck issues. I don’t like to think of myself in those terms, so I very seldom talk about it or consider it.
The other issue of taking a lower paying job is that if I do full-time work I will be cut off of my disability allowance and actually be worse off than I am now because I am permitted to earn up to a certain amount. After that they deduct what I earn from what they give me. However, with what I make and the allowance I get it is not financially wise to take a lower paying job. As I wrote about last year around this time I had to make a Consumer Proposal to avoid bankruptcy and still allow me to pay a part of my debts back. Yes it would be easier to go bankrupt. But I have chosen to make some restitution. This means that I make a monthly payment to a Public Trustee. Then there are the other usual expenses, rent, car, gas, insurance, groceries, etc…
So I have a conundrum. And in this way I am like most men; I get downright miserable searching and being refused. As you know from my entry Loneliness 101 I have also had to deal with a great deal of depression of late, greatly due to this continuing worry of how I’m going to cover bills. Then there is how I feel about myself living off of the government and sitting at home doing my current job – Job Search. And I take that seriously, it is my current job!
I am willing to relocate – within reason of course; although not to Northern Tuktoyaktuk. Yes that’s an actual place, check out the link if you don’t believe me. I am willing to be trained (even more than I am already). Although the type of training that would do the most for me would be a degree program. But with no credit rating I can’t get loans. And government programs would fund it either. I am willing to take a job that I am over qualified for. So what’s going on here? The government says the unemployment rate is only 6.6!!! And the National average time for unemployment is 20.2 consecutive weeks. This include those under employed as well, like me. I’ve already tripled that “average’. Talk about depressing, eh!
So what do I do? Well I schedule time at my job. The job is called Job Search 101. I scour all the Internet resources I can. When I was younger the Newspaper provided this. The Internet is much more thorough than the old Newspapers. In fact, at my part-time job I have to look at the newspaper obituaries. That page also has job ads…all two of them!
My daughter, Sarah, works for a company that will not let people apply in person, with or without a resume. They have to apply through the company website and fill in an application and do some sort of online testing. She says that the problem with that is when you hire based on the website you end up with kids who may seem to have the skills, but not the quality. They are just looking for an easy job to have some extra cash! They don’t usually show up as quality.
So what is to come of Job Search 101? I don’t know. I do know that I’m tired of this. I have laid out to the Universe that there needs to be change and that change needs to be ASAP. I keep hearing from people who have connection with the Universe/God that my time is here. I will find what I need.
In the meantime….if you believe in any Deity at all, please whisper a prayer for me; to find work as well as stay sane throughout this loooooooooooooooong process.
Job Search 101
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